


Death Is Only Temporary

by Scarlet_Fire_1918



Category: Original Work
Genre: Best Friends, Blood and Injury, Boys In Love, Brooklyn, Canon Gay Relationship, Childhood Friends, Death, Dorks in Love, F.A.D.E, Fights, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Idiots in Love, Injury, M/M, Major Character Injury, Male-Female Friendship, Minor Character Death, Modern Era, Original Character Death(s), Paris (City), Possible Character Death, References to Drugs, Spies & Secret Agents, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2018-10-24 01:14:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 39,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10731126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scarlet_Fire_1918/pseuds/Scarlet_Fire_1918
Summary: Ryder and Finley had been inseparable for as long as anyone could remember, they were like two halves of a whole. So it was no surprise when they both wound up working undercover on the biggest mission the Federal Agency Division of Espionage (F.A.D.E) had seen in years. A new drug had just hit the scene, pixie as the kids were calling it, kept a person awake for days on end and when taken with alcohol, made the user see terrible things. Ryder played the "party animal" looking for drugs, while Fin was always on the other end of the wire making sure things went as planned. That was until the night that everything went wrong. It had been five months since the failed mission. Drinking away his sorrows one morning he hears a knock at the door. As he gets up, he sees an envelope slide under the door and hears footsteps walking away. Nervous, He opens the envelope and reads the letter inside quickly before downing his drink and letting his mind run free. The letter was from Ryder, or so it said, but Fin knew there was no way he was alive, he had seen the body, held him in his arms. What kind of sick bastard would do this? He wasn't sure where to start or what was going on, but he knew he had to find out.





	1. Missions

**December 23rd, 2015**

I watch as the dot on the screen in front of me begins to get closer to our target. I close my eyes letting out a deep breath as I listen to the hushed singing coming through my headset. I smile at the brunette’s song before opening my eyes and looking back at the dot on the screen. “Ryder, you should stop singing you're only about a block out now.” I can hear him smile before replying with “Don’t be a spoilsport babe. I gotta give them a head start otherwise this is no fun.”  I roll my eyes at his response before realizing he can’t see me and sigh heavily instead. I can hear light laughter coming through the headset before hearing a whispered “ _ Fine _ ..” I smile again at the voice that comes in through my headpiece. I take a deep breath as I look at the dot on my screen which is now right on the doorstep of the enemy. “Remember Ryder; this is a simple infiltration mission. We do them all the time.” I hear him make a small noise that sounds like a chuckle before I continue “Basically, don’t do anything stupid while in there. Okay?” I hear him chuckle yet again and then respond in a hushed small whisper “ _ I can’t do anything stupid, all the stupid is back there with you.”  _ And with that, i automatically relax a little before giving him the okay to go ahead in the mission. As I sit there watching the dot on the screen and listening to the sounds coming through my headset I take a deep breath and close my eyes as I begin thinking, or rather daydreaming. Suddenly I am jolted out of my thoughts by a loud gunshot ringing through my headset, this is then followed by cursing and more shots continued by fighting. I quickly jump into action mumbling something into the mic about him needing backup and all. As I am about to take my headset and rush over there a familiar voice comes through the headset “Babe, don’t worry so much. I told you even with a head start they didn't-” All I hear after that is a deafening gunshot followed closely by silence signaling that the mic had been disabled. 

I sit there shocked for what feels like hours but in reality is only a few seconds before I jump into action. I quickly press the distress signal and grab my gun leaving the safe house and running the five blocks to the warehouse. When I get there, it's dark, and a light fog is starting to settle in. I take one last deep breath before entering the warehouse. I find myself in a dim lit hallway. As I follow the corridor, I slowly let thoughts creep into my head as to what may have happened. At the end of the hall, I push open a massive metal door, as I enter the room I am not surprised to have found the source of the fighting I had heard in the headpiece scattered all along the floor. I slowly count 7 figures. As I walk farther into the room, I notice that one of the figures is familiar. I take a ragged breath and close my eyes for a moment trying to prepare myself for the damage. What stupid thing had he done this time I thought as I approached Ryder. As I got closer, however, I noticed that he wasn’t moving, not even breathing. As I kneel down next to him pulling his head into my lap and pushing his slightly overgrown hair out of his face, I gasp. His gorgeous green eyes are open and had become glassy; there was blood trailed down his chin. As I continued to examine him; the weird angle his left arm was in, the bullet hole on the left side of his chest. I knew he was gone, Ryder was gone, and it was my fault. If only I hadn’t distracted him, or if I had been faster. I could feel my heart break as I moved my hand up to his face closing his eyes, the eyes I had fallen in love with. I could hear the backup rushing in but for some reason, it was muted in a way, all I could think about was the fact that Ryder was gone, I was still here, It was my fault.  


	2. Haunted By The Past

**May 27th, 2016**

I wake up my voice hoarse from screaming; I take in a few deep breaths as Is feel tears roll down my cheeks. As I calm down, i slowly untangle myself from the sheets that had attached themselves to my legs while I was asleep. As I stand up, the world begins to spin, and I have to sit back down with my head in between my knees. As my head pounds all I can see and hear is a place from a happier time.

**April 12th, 2012**

I sit on the bed reading while I wait for Ryder to come in for bed. I can hear him rummaging through the kitchen looking for an after shower snack while he sings along to some song on his iPod. He seems to have found what he was looking for because I can hear his singing became louder as he comes down the hall to our bedroom. When I look up from my book, I am greeted by Ryder standing in the door frame in only a pair of briefs. Along with his bare chest, he is wearing a pair of headphones and singing some ridiculous song while dancing like a total nutjob. I smile over at him marking my place in my book and putting it on the bedside table to enjoy the show in front of me. As he takes a few steps into the room he belts out some lyrics 

_ Did I mention that I’m in love with you  _

_ And did I mention there's nothing I can do _

I laugh as he does some sort of jazzy dance number to the song.

_ And did I happen to say, I dream of you everyday _

_ But let me shout it out loud, if that's okay. _

I roll my eyes and continue to watch the weirdo that I call my love flail around coming closer to me by the second.

_ Never thought it would happen to a guy like me  _

_ But now look at what you’ve done, you got me down on my knees _

_ Because my love for you is ridiculous  _

_ I never knew that it could be like this  _

_ My love for you is ridiculous _

_ My love is R-I-D-I-C-U-L-O-U-S _

With that he closes the remaining distant between us grabbing my hands, pulling me out of bed. I chuckle at him as he forces me into the little dance routine he had already been doing. As we spin and kick and laugh the song finishes leaving us sitting on the floor both breathing heavily. After I have caught my breath a bit, I grin over at Ryder and say “I kinda already knew that you were ridiculous.” I say taking a deep breath “But you know I’m glad you can admit it.” He rolls his eyes and lightly punches me in the arm “It was romantic, and you know it. Stop being a punk ass.” “Language Ryder! Those words are bad for you” I say sticking my tongue out at him knowing that this will cause him to kiss me before I can continue my lecture on cursing. I see him roll his eyes at me and then leaning in pressing his soft but firm lips to mine. I can feel him smirk as we slowly pull away from each other. I swallow before responding “That's one way to get me to shut up.”

**End**

I snap out of the memory crumbling to the floor. If only he were still here, what would he think of me now? I wipe the thought from my mind getting off of the floor and stumbling out to the kitchen. I grab a glass out of the cabinet grabbing a few ice cubes and the bottle of whiskey before heading over to the to the couch. I plop myself onto the couch pouring some of the golden liquid into my glass before grabbing the remote for the tv and sprawling out onto the couch trying to make myself not feel alone. As I scroll through the television station looking for a show to watch I hear a knock on the door. I quickly check what time it is before standing up and walking to the door. I look through the peephole and seeing no one there I slowly open the door looking around only to find a letter sitting on the doormat. As I pick it up, I hold it up to the light making sure it is in fact just a letter, while I’m doing this I continue to look up and down the hall trying to see if the person who left the letter is still close by but I don’t find anyone. I take the letter and walk back inside locking the door behind me and heading straight for the couch. As I sit back down flipping the letter over I take a sip of my whiskey. I carefully place the glass back down on the table and carefully open the letter. Once open I pull out a piece of paper.  After quickly scanning the letter i begin at the top reading it out loud. “ _ Fin do you remember all those long days at Apartment 7b over on the corner of Blackwelder and 16th or the nights when we were wrapped in each other's arms content to never move from that spot? My love for you my darling is still as ridiculous as it was all those years ago. I miss you so much; please find me.  ~R”  _ I place the letter face down on the coffee table, grabbing my drink and downing it. After my glass is empty, I stood and began pacing around the room trying to process my thoughts. Was R Ryder? No no, it couldn’t be, it's just someone messing with you? But what if it is him, no one knew about those nights? No one knew that we used the word Ridiculous as a way to emphasize our love. The sound I go to apartment 7b? It couldn’t hurt..could it?

Once making my decision on going to apartment 7b I quickly grab my wallet, keys, and helmet rushing out the door not even caring that I haven't showered in a day and am wearing week-old clothes. It takes about 15 minutes to get to the building and before I  know it I am standing outside the door. As I stand there staring at the door, all I can think is “Ryder could be right on the other side of this very door.” Slowly I reach out my hand and turn the knob.


	3. Boxes Full Of Memories, Ashes Ashes We All Fall Down

**May 27th, 2016**

I let out one last sigh before opening my eyes once more and turning the knob and pushing the door open. Once inside I close the door and seek out the light switch. When the place is illuminated, I immediately notice that the items that I once knew to be stored here were nowhere to be found and in their place were colored boxes. There were three piles of many boxes to each. One pile, off to the left, was a huge stack of pink boxes. Followed by blue ones directly across from the front door and lastly green ones on the far right side of the room next to the door for the kitchen. After staring at the three piles for what felt like hours but could have equally been 5 minutes I decide to start with the green boxes first. As I grab the first box and sit on the ground with it, I begin to wonder once again if this is all a trap. I push the thought aside once more when I open the box and see the contents inside. I pull out a Keep Out sign, a CD, a large blue and red plaid blanket, black blindfold, and two bottles; one of pineapple soda and the other grape. As I look over the items in front of me, I am struck with a memory of a long time ago.

**_September 17th, 2003_ **

_ “Come On Finny, stop being such a goodie-goodie,” Ryder says a huge pout plastered on his face accompanied by puppy dog eyes. I roll my eyes and let out a deep sigh before looking him in the eyes again trying to ignore the puppy dog eyes that I know I will end up giving into. “Ryder it's illegal, and even if it wasn't, we could get hurt or something.” As I look over at Ryder, who is in the driver's seat of his dad’s car from before he left them. He turns to me and smiles giving me a wink before turning back to the road “Please Fin I wanna show you this place, and if we get in trouble I will take full credit. Plus if it makes you feel better if you get hurt I will carry you back to the car.” As I look out the window, I make my decision to give in, what could go wrong? He says he goes here a lot so it can’t be that bad. Looking away from the window and back to him I sigh “We can go there, but you better give me a piggyback ride if it's too far from the car.” With that, I earn a lighthearted chuckle from Ryder “Deal” he said “now put this on Babydoll”  I look over at him and take the black strip of fabric that he is holding out to me. “You want me to wear a blindfold? Why…?” When we are stopped at a stop sign, he grinned over at me and gave me a huge grin tying the blindfold around my eyes without answering me. I try to take it off but after noticing that it was tied too tight and knotted beyond my ability to undo while blindfolded. Plus if I were to get it off then Ryder would just pull over or something just to tie it back on. As I sit there in the darkness, I listen to the sounds of the road and the radio. After about an hour or so more of traveling, I feel the car come to a stop and the engine turn off. “You can take off the blindfold now if you would like to, do you need help? I realize now that I tied it on there pretty good.” I nod while turning giving him a full view of the mess of knots at the back of my head. Once the blindfold is off, I blink a few times and then look around trying to adjust to the new view around me. As I look around, I notice a small smile playing on Ryder's lips once I have finished adjusting to my new surroundings I smile back at him and ask “What is this place Ry? It just looks like a bunch of woods. How could the woods be that bad?” That's when I see a mysterious look in his eyes “It's not just the woods, now come on and get out of the car.” We both get out of the car and Ryder opens the trunk pulling out a black backpack. I think of asking him what's in it but before I can, he grabs my hand and leads me into the woods. _

_ I hold on to his hand as he drags me through the woods. As I look at him leading me through the maze of trees and grin grows onto my face “Hey Ry, I have a question.” He raises an eyebrow in question and dropping my hand turning around to face me. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there-” He covers my mouth with his hand to get me to stop before looking at me and saying “Will you shut your trap? We will get there when we get there” While he is talking I stick my tongue out licking his hand causing him to move his hand away and wipe it off on his and chuckle grabbing my hand once more and dragging me farther into the woods on the unseen path we have been walking on for over 15 minutes.  _

_ After another 10 or maybe 20 minutes we come to a fence, at the bottom right corner is a hole. As I take in what I see I stop in my tracks and Ryder almost falls from me stopping so quickly. Once he has regained his footing he turns to me and says “Hey, come on. I have done this a million times it will be all right.” I look up into his gorgeous green eyes and run my fingers through my hair before responding saying “You know there is a Keep Out sign for a reason.” He smiled a goofy grin and began walking forward again. Once he is in the hole, he gives me a mysterious look and says “Don’t worry BabyDoll. I read the rules before I break them.” With that, he ducked into the hole in the fence and walked off a little into the dark. I take a deep breath and hope that we don’t get caught before ducking through the hole after him. _

_ Once on the other side of the fence, I am quickly able to find Ryder who is standing next to a tree, the backpack leaning against in. With a split second decision, I take a small running head start and jump onto Ryder’s back immediately wrapping my legs around his waist. As If he was expecting it, he reflexively puts his arms under my legs and looks over his shoulder at me. “Finny, what do you think you're doing?” I sheepishly smile down at him and shift a little trying to get comfortable while replying with “I’m tired of walking, and you said you would give me a piggyback ride so here I am” I then lay my head down on his shoulder as he begins to walk again. As we walk I start to fall asleep breathing in the smells of the trees and recent rain along with Ryder’s cologne. However my nap was short lived when Ryder “accidentally” trips on a rock in the path and sends us tumbling down a hill, limbs tangling will the limbs and bodies smashing into each other. Once we have both stopped rolling, I find myself laying on top of Ryder’s body. He looks up at me worriedly while asking me repeatedly “Hey, Finny, are you okay? Any major injuries?” As I look at him and then at our situation, I began to giggle. Ryder is confused at first but quickly realizes that I’m okay and that it's okay to laugh about what just happened. He immediately starts up his own fit of giggles equal to mine. Once we have both calmed down and caught our breath, we are left just staring into each other's eye. Ryder is the first to make a move when he reaches his hand up cupping my cheek in his hand. He begins to rub his thumb along my jawline as our faces move closer together. Before I know it our lips collide his soft ones meeting my chapped ones. The kiss was sweet and tender but still passionate. After a few seconds, we pull back a few inches, our foreheads still resting on each other.” _

**_End_ **

As I come out of the memory, I can feel tears pouring down my cheeks. I stare blankly down at the mixtape as I whisper “That night we watched airplanes and just talked until dawn and never left each other's arms” I slowly put everything back into the box quietly closing in before grabbing the next green box from the pile and slowly and carefully going through each boxes taking out the items within. After about ten more boxes I find another box from when we were in high school. It was towards the end maybe our junior or senior year. I smile fondly as I bring out the contents of the box, I look down at the photo strips, a stuffed unicorn and elephant we had won during darts, some stupid and huge glasses Ryder had won in some weird fishing type of game, and at the bottom of the box sat a smaller box. I cautiously opened in and to my surprise found two rings, one blue and one green, I smiled back down looking at them. While looking at the two plastic rings in my hands, I feel myself getting pulled back into the memories of the past.

**_July 14th, 2005_ **

_ “Hey, Finny can I ask you a question?” I hear Ryder call from behind me. I turn around and am surprisingly greeted with Ryder down on one knee with a blue ring held out in his hand. I look down at him with his goofy grin plastered on his face before returning his smile with my own and sarcastically say as if I don’t already know “What is your question?” He rolls his eyes and sighs before replying with “Will you marry me Punkass? I’m not saying now, but someday.” I can feel my eyes widen with the question asked, I nod and quickly wipe away a few happy tears from my cheeks as he slides the ring onto my finger and placing a green one identical to mine into my hand. I smile taking his hand in mine a sliding the green one onto his finger then helping him up. As we laugh and kiss I softly kiss along his jaw until I’m at his ear softly whispering “I love you til the end of time.” He pulls back smiling at me his eyes watering a little “I know, and I love you too. Now come on we gotta go get in line for the Ferris wheel before the line gets too long.” _

**_End_ **

As I again come to from the memory I slowly put the rings back in the box before putting everything back in the box in the same order I had taken it out. The letter I had gotten this morning had to have been from Ryder. It told me to come here, and all that is here seems to be boxes of the memories we shared together. But how am I supposed to find him if all that is here is the past? I sigh looking in front of me at All the green boxes that had now been opened and were neatly packed back away. I look around the room and over to the other stacks of colored boxes. I slowly stand up, walking over to the next stack of boxes I slowly start to work my way through the boxes. It's at least four hours later when I finally come to one last box. As I look around me at the mess of open boxes surrounding me I blink away a few tears and look back down at the box sitting in front of me. It's different than the others, black in color and slightly smaller than the others. I smile sadly down at it, before slowly opening the top. As I look into the box, I see two rectangular boxes along with at least three or so photo albums. I swallow loudly and take out the first photo book. As I open it turn to a page with many pictures from a surprise birthday trip to Nashville. I smile running my thumb over Ryder’s face in the photos looking at the happiness and innocence that we both had back then. As I go through the pages of the books, I notice that most of the photos are from before we joined the organization when we still had time to have fun and take pictures, but as I go through the books the I see more and more from after the organization. They are scattered throughout the years, but they are there. I can see the changes in both of us, our hardened face, Ryder's facial hair, my muscle growth. After I finish looking through the boxes, I take out the two rectangular boxes opening the first one to find my old film camera that my mother had given me when I was 10; telling me that if I ever see something beautiful to take a picture of it to show her. I smile at it picking it up and doing a quick look over of it. Once I have decided that it is still in the condition I last saw it in I set it back in the box and pick up the next one, opening it. What I find inside quickly pulls me back into a memory.

**_January 4th, 2009_ **

_ I smile hear Ryder walk up behind me, he covers my eyes and leans in close to my ear whispering “Happy Birthday Finny! I got you something, hold out your hands.” I take a deep breath and hold out my hands before replying “You didn’t need to get me anything. Being here with you is the best birthday present you could have gotten me.” I hear him chuckle and then speak again “A little late for that LoverBoy. Maybe next time, now keep your eyes closed and your hands out.” I do as I’m told, frowning a little when his hands leave my face.It seems like forever before I hear him walk back into the room and place a rectangular box into my hands. “Can I open my eyes now, Ry? I’m dying here.” I say with a nervous smile. He chuckles again and says “Yes, you can open your eyes.” When I open my eyes, I look down at my hands where a box sits covered in newspapers acting like wrapping paper. I begin to tear into the present surprised when I see it is the digital camera I had been looking at for months. After a moment or two, I clear my throat and look up at him “How did you get this?” He looks at me, and I can see he is a little scared just by looking into his eyes. He knew I had wanted this camera, but I knew it was way out of our budget. He looks back down at the ground before speaking “I took a lot of extra shifts and saved up. I even had an extra job for a little while. I wanted to get it for you after I saw how you looked at it at the shop. Please don’t be mad.” After he is done, I look down at the camera and then back up at him placing one of my hands under his chin guiding his head back up, so he was looking at me. I wipe away a stray tear that was running down his cheek. “I’m not mad Ryder. I understand what you tried to do, even though you gave me a minor heart attack surprising me with this. It's the best birthday present I could have asked for. Thank you.” I say looking at him with a loving smile spread across my face, he soon smiles back in return and gives me a hug. Once we pull apart I look down at the box once more, opening it and taking out the camera, I can feel Ryder watching me and I smile before looking up at him and saying  “You know your do still have to get a punishment for spending all that money on me, even if it's the best birthday present ever.” He looks at me tilting his head a little to the side with a raised eyebrow as if to ask me what I had in mind for this said punishment. I proceed to talk picking up the camera in hand and holding it up to my face “Your punishment is that you now have to be my model whenever I need one.” And with that, I click the button. _

**_End_ **

I wipe away some tears and chuckle a little a familiar face greets me. I try to blink away tears as all of my actions are being watched by a worried pair of emerald green eyes. I clear my throat trying to hide the fact that I have been crying off and on all day “Natalia, how did you find me?” I say trying to recover a little more from today. She takes a deep breath before speaking, and when she does, it comes out as more of a whisper “I have been tracking your phone. After everything had happened and all you wanted was to be alone I wanted to make sure you were always okay, so I put a tracker on your phone. I’m sorry about not telling you. However, I don’t regret doing it seeing as the first time in months that you have left the house you choose to come to some old broken down apartment complex in the middle of the worst part of town. What are you even doing here?” I look down when she asks me why I’m here because in all honestly, I’m not sure why I came. I know that the letter hinted I come here but who in their right mind would follow a suspicious letter that was seemingly from a dead person? Was I going crazy? I was jolted out of my thoughts when Nat's hand collided with my face. I look up slightly angry but mostly surprised that she slapped me “Nat! What in bloody hell was that for?” I see the corners of her mouth twitch up just a little when I speak. I continued to glare at her waiting for her to talk. “You had been zoned out for about 5 minutes. I couldn’t think of anything else to do. I’m sorry..again, now are you going to tell me what made you come here?.” She says gesturing to the room around us I smile softly at her before returning to a slight frown. I swallow hard and let out a deep breath before opening my mouth, closing it again. I do this for a minute or two before I finally get up the nerve to speak “I got a letter today. It looks like it could be from Ryder.” I take another deep breath wiping the tears that have been falling down my cheeks. “It hinted I should come here. Being stupid and all I came here. When I got here I found all these boxes; each one is filled with a different memory or special time that we shared together. It has to be him, Nat. No one else knew most of those memories. However, on the other hand, there is no way it could be him. I was there with him when he was pronounced dead; I felt his heart stop. It can’t be him.” I look up from the ground once I finish, looking into Natalia’s worried eyes. She wipes the tears from her eyes mustering up a soft but sad smile before reaching out her hand and wiping the tears from my cheeks. I watch her as she tenderly cleans me up. After a while of silence, she squeezes my hand before asking “Why don’t we get you home? You have had a rough day.”  I look away then, gazing out the window, speaking more to myself than Natalia “They say home is where your heart is, but what if my heart is 6-feet underground with him?”

 


	4. Is It Really The Wrong Pizza?

**May 28th, 2016**

I pull into the parking garage parking in my usual spot. I wait for Natalia even though I am beginning to shiver from my rain drenched clothes. After about five minutes I see her car come into the garage and quickly park into what used to be Ryder’s spot. I can feel my heart tighten but try to brush it off and plaster a small smile onto my face as Nat gets out of her car. She gives me a one overtaking in my wet clothes as we begin walking into the apartment complex. Once we are inside the apartment, I shrug off my jacket and hang it along with my helmet on the rack before excusing myself to change clothes. I quickly throw on a white v-neck t-shirt and a pair of loose fitting gray sweats, before returning to Nat in the front room. When I walk in, she looks up from her phone and gives me a genuine smile, asking “What do you think about ordering some pizza?” I smile back and walk into the kitchen grabbing a takeout menu and pulling out my phone. “That sounds good. I’m going to order my regular; I hope that's okay with you.” I hear a grunt in reply from the brunette sitting on the couch. I chuckle a little and quietly call in our order. After hanging up the phone I grab two beers from the fridge and walking over to the couch sitting down, I hand one of the beers to her as she grabs the remote off the table and turns on a movie. We both jump about fifteen minutes later when there is a hard knock at the door. Nat quickly gets up running to the door, grabbing my wallet along the way. About a minute later I see her turn around shoving a piece of paper into her pocket I chuckle a little and ask her “You got his number didn’t you?” She gives me a sly smile before opening the pizza box he faces quickly becoming confused. I raise an eyebrow at her expressing before she says “Are you sure you got the right pizza?” I give her an even more confused standing up from the couch, beginning to walk over to her “What do you mean? Of course, I got the right one; they only have one vegetarian pizza.” I say to stand behind her looking into the box only to find that it was a meat lovers pizza, Ryder’s favorite. I take a deep breath before taking the pizza from her and setting it in the kitchen. I turn around looking back at her “I don’t think it was the wrong pizza, Nat. This was Ry’s favorite, and with  everything, in the last few hours I don’t think it’s a coincidence.” I say. I look back down at the pizza box before grabbing a plate and handing it to Nat. As I brush past her, I declare that I’m not hungry and sit back down on the couch waiting for her to come back so we can continue our movie. Nat quietly comes to sit down next to me, leaning her head on my shoulder while eating her pizza. I smile at her and ask “Ready to continue?” and as she nods I click the play button trying to tame my mind and focus on the movie. After about 20 minutes or so I hear soft snores coming from Nat. I smile softly and move her head to my lap trying not to wake her. Once her head is on my lap, and I am sure that she won’t wake I turn off the tv and stare out the window. Could it be him? Is Ryder out there somewhere waiting for me to find him? No, I was there that night. I found him; there was no way he was still out there. I  watch as the night turns to morning just letting my mind wander and fight with my heart over what could be going on. I take a deep breath as I watch the as the sun begins to rise, one thought to repeat in my mind. Is Ryder alive or is someone messing with me?


	5. Drinking Games And Revenge Plans

**June 13th, 2016**

I step out of the shower quickly drying off and wrapping a towel around my waist as the knocking continues to bang off the walls throughout the apartment. As I hold the towel and jog over to the front door the banging stop. I roll my eyes thinking about how this has happened a lot this past two weeks, generally whenever another letter or package arrives from the mysterious ~R. I am about to walk away from the door when a familiar and friendly voice is heard shouting from the other side of the door “FINLEY AMELIA  THOMPSON OPEN THIS GODDAMN DOOR!! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE” I chuckle to myself before reaching out my hand and opening the door smiling at Nat who has her fist raised as if she was about to bang on my door again “Amelia? You couldn’t come up with any other name?” I say as I open the door wider to let her in. She brushes past me rolling her eyes as she walks over to the couch “You know, most people would at least put on pants before answering the door. However, no one is here to stop you from  embracing your freedom.” She says giving me a wicked grin, giving me a once over. I blush slightly and excuse myself so that I can put some clothes one. I come back dressed in a light blue v-neck tee shirt and a pair of snug fitted jeans. I quietly shuffle back into the front room, as I enter the room I see Nat trying to raid through the kitchen. I lean against the wall just watching her as she becomes frustrated from not finding any food. I chuckle quietly startling her; she spins around so quickly that her hair ends up smacking her in the face when she stops to look at me. She hastily pushes her hair back over her shoulders before whining “How do you survive? There is no food here!” I laugh louder and reach around her grabbing some takeout menus to hand her before saying “Ryder always stocked the house, I only grab what I need when I need it.” She quickly thumbs her way through the menus before settling on pizza, as I knew she would have. I shake my head, smiling, at her as she waves the pizza menu in my face while having the biggest grin I had ever seen plastered on her face.  “Get the regular, right? Especially since you didn’t get any last time, and I know you only ever eat pizza when I’m around.” she asks her smile wavering a little when she mentions last time, however her smile quickly returns and she continues her banter “You know I don’t see why you would choose to be a vegetarian, the pizza is always so blatant.” When she finishes and sticks out her tongue at me, I chuckle before saying “You know you could always order your own pizza, that way you don’t have to suffer.” She rolls her eyes lightly shoving my arm before picking up her phone and calling in our order. Once she is finished, we decide to play our favorite game. I grab the trivia card walking over to the couch while she grabs a bottle of blue raspberry pucker and another bottle of Swedish fish vodka quickly walking over to the couch placing the pucker in front of me. I make a slight look of disgust at the bottle and then at her before handing her half of the stack of cards. She shoots me a wicked grin before asking “So who's the first victim this time?” I give her an equally wicked grin before pushing her bottle towards her and replying with “I went first last time, it's your turn Tits.” she growls a little at me before I take the first card off my pile, reading it aloud to her “The villain, Prince John, appears in which 1973 Disney film?” I watch chuckling quietly as her eyes widen and she bites her lip in concentration. After a minute or two I call time, she glares at me and asks “So what's the answer smartass?’ As I pour her a shot of the Vodka and hand it to her with a huge smile, I respond with “It was Robin Hood.” She grumbles under her breath about to ask the next question when there is a knock at the door. I quickly stand up rushing over to the door. I smile at the pizza guy and hand him a twenty, grabbing the pizza before telling the guy to keep the change. I quietly close the door turning back towards Nat, she looks at me asking me a silent question “was it the cute one?” I roll my eyes nodding before opening the pizza box. As soon as I see the note on the inside, I throw the box watching as it slams into the wall. When I look away from the mess, I see Nat’s face showing a mix of confusion and shock along with a little anger. Our eyes meet, and suddenly she is screaming at me “WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR? I WANTED TO EAT THAT!” I watch her as she walks over to the pizza to see what could be saved, as she does that I quietly storm off into the bedroom grabbing a huge box from the closet. I can hear Nat begin to freak out a little from my sudden disappearance. With the box in hand, I quickly walk back into the living room dropping the box full of letters, notes, packages, folders, and pictures onto the ground in front of Nat who is still kneeling down next to the mess. She looks down at the box and its contents before looking up at me. “What is all of this?” she asks, I continue to look at the box forcing myself not to make eye contact with her. I clear my throat in the hope of not giving off the fact that I am close to tears before quietly speaking more to myself than her “They seem to be clues of sorts, I have been ignoring them for the past few weeks. Since that night you found me in the storage apartment. They just keep coming and coming.” I take a deep breath, looking up towards the ceiling and closing my eyes. I continue a little louder now “But that note in the pizza box.  _ I never knew you to give up, don’t stop looking for me yet short stack.~R”  _ I can feel the tears running down my face; I quickly try to wipe them away. _ “ _ Nat, that note was the last straw. Only Ryder was allowed to call me that!” I say raising my voice, and with that I crumple to the floor, kneeling in front of her.I swallow hard before continuing once more “This is some sick joke, and I can’t ignore it anymore! I have to find who is doing this; they need to pay. You can’t just mess with someone like that.” Natalia soothingly moves closer to me laying my head on her lap. As I sob into her legs, she runs her fingers through my hair looking down at me before whispering “Don’t worry Fin. We will find who is doing this.”


	6. We Need To Talk

**June 13th, 2016**

After a few minutes of us sitting like we are I take a ragged breath lifting my head from Nat’s lap and looking at her. She slowly raises her hand to caress my cheek, giving me a soft but sad smile before moving her hand up my face to mess up my hair. I roll my eyes relaxing a little feeling a small smile began to tug across my lips. We are going to find this person who is sick enough to mess with someone like this. I repeat this over and over in my head like a broken record just hoping I can keep myself together. For hours we sit in mostly silence her occasionally trying to cheer me up either with small jokes or weird faces, only earning a small and sad smile in return for her efforts. As the silence grows between us I clear my throat daring to speak for the first time in hours  “Nat, I think it would be best if I were alone for a little bit.” It comes out as a hushed whisper but I know she heard me. I stand up slowly before holding my hand out to her. She quickly accepts it, as soon as we are both standing she quickly pulls me into her embrace, standing on her tiptoes so she can rest her head on my shoulder. When we part, I quietly lean down, picking up a letter and package out of the box that has now spilled its contents onto the floor. I hand them to Nat watching as she silently takes them and looks at me raising her brow in question. “I can’t get it to the lab since I’m technically on leave. You, however, can get it there.” I whisper keeping my eyes down on the floor. She softly places her hand under my chin, lifting it, so my eyes are level with hers. She gives me another one of her now famous soft smiles before saying “I will get it to them tomorrow morning. Don’t worry Fin. We will find this person; they won’t get away with this.” I give her a small nod glancing back down towards the ground. She silently places a gentle kiss on my forehead before walking out of the apartment saying a soft goodbye as she closes the door. As soon as the door is closed, I finally let myself feel just how tired and full of emotions that I am. I let my eyes drupe some, walking slowly to the bedroom. As soon as my head hits the pillow, i feel my eyes begin to water again, and I give in. All I can do until I fall asleep is sob into my pillow thinking of all the packages and letters just laying on the floor near the greasy mess of the living room. I cry for what feels like hours before slowly falling into a dreamless sleep.

**June 15th, 2016**

I smile as the knife flies through the air hitting the bullseye in the middle of the target across the room. I slowly turn around looking at Derek, he nods scribbling something onto his clipboard, I watch silently waiting to hear what my next challenge will be. He calmly clears his throat before looking up at me  “You’ve done well so far. All that's left for today is shooting then you are free to go.” He says in his thick southern drawl. I nod following him as we exit the room, walking down a small hallway. As we come to the door leading us to the shooting range, I wait for him to enter, standing outside the door for a moment. I can do this, I think to myself, it's what Ryder would have wanted, and it will help with the search for the sicko who is stalking me around. I take in a gulp of air before breathing it out. Derek glances up at me as I walk into the room giving me a questioning look but letting it go when I don’t seem inclined to talk. I slowly walk up to the table looking down at the gun sitting on it; I can do this I think to myself once more. I reach my hand out taking the gun, my training kicking in as I lift it, staring down at the human-shaped target across from me. I take aim before moving my finger down to the trigger, swallowing I press down on it. As soon as I hear the sound, everything goes black. I can hear myself screaming but can't seem to stop, that night flashing over and over again as I hit the floor with a thud, the gun still in hand. As the flashes slowly begin to stop, I can hear Derek calling for help and asking me what happened, what went wrong. I let go of the gun pushing it as far from me as I can, watching as it slides across the black tiled floors and against the wall. As I feel myself calm down I looking over to the door where Derek is standing talking to the med team that had just arrived. Quietly I stand, trying not to draw too much more attention to myself, sadly that doesn’t work very well. Both the Med Team and Derek turn at the sound of me standing, the nurse rushing past the door and over to me. I try to fight them off but slowly realize all they want to do is check my vitals, make sure I wasn’t injured. I look up at Derek as they check me over, I can tell that what happened today was going to be a problem down the line just by the sad smile he was giving me. The nurses give me a clean bill of physical health before quickly walking out of the door. As I go to leave Derek grabs my arm, pulling me into a short hug before saying “Finley, as you probably have realized you have extreme PTSD. This will cause some problems when we reinstate you, but it won’t stop us from doing it. Just be prepared it won't be like it used to.” He lets go with at, walking off down the hallway. I look down at my shoes, If only he knew how different it would be, I think as I begin my walk out of the building.

I smile as I am greeted with the crisp Brooklyn air, I check my phone seeing as I had to have it off during the test today. I cringe a little at the close to a million messages from Nat, all saying something along the lines of “Come over” or “We need to talk ASAP.”  I begin to walk, watching as I pass many shops filled with friends asking each other for opinions on clothes or happy couples sharing food. I wish I were still that happy and oblivious to the cruel way the world can world can be. As I walk the 20 minutes it will take to get there I stop once, taking out my headphones and putting my music on shuffle. When I am about a block away, I take out my earbuds and try looking around again, knowing there won't be many overly happy people around seeing as I have passed most of the shops and restaurants in the area. As I look around, I take in the beautiful park and buildings around me. I almost don't see the familiar brunette as I pass by the alleyway, I quickly do a doubt tack turning around and looking down into the dark alley. When I see her, I stop dead in my tracks; she is leaning into the driver's side door of a black car. I stay as hidden as I can while I watch her talk to this person. A few minutes later she steps away from the car a slightly angry look on her face. She quickly looks around making sure she hadn’t been watched, that is when she spots me. 

She calmly walks up to me as I stand there with my arms crossed over my chest, when she's close enough to hear me clearly, I say “Explain yourself.” She tries to brush it off by replying “Explain what?” I glare at her as she comes to a stop in front of me, I speak again trying to read her face in the hopes of finding what she is hiding from me “You were in a dark alleyway, talking to someone in a black car with almost certainly illegally overly tinted windows. What were you doing?” She looks down at her feet, seeming to try to decide what to tell me or more likely what not to tell me. I nudge her a little with my elbow in the hopes she will say something, even one of her stupid sarcastic comments, but she continues to stay quiet. After a few more moments she finally speaks up, it's a whisper at first, but slowly she gets louder “ I have been stressed, really stressed. It's gotten so bad that I can’t sleep anymore…” She lets out a breath she seems to have been holding in before continuing “I called this guy I knew from before the organization...and well he gave me some weed. I just really need to sleep.” When she finishes and looks up at me, I can tell she is still not saying everything, but when I look into her eyes, I decide not to push anymore. I reach out and grab her hand “Natalia, please tell me this is the first time you have done anything like this since we recruited you?” She nods signaling that this is the first time, especially since she seems to know where I am going with this. I continue talking “ You can't be doing this, even if it's just something small like this. If anyone at the organization found out about this, they would cut you immediately.” She nods again keeping her eyes trained down towards her shoes; I squeeze her hand tightly in mine before taking her keys out of her other hand and leading the way into the building. We stay silent all through the walk and elevator ride up to her penthouse apartment. As we walk out of the elevator and into the penthouse, I drop Nat’s hand just as my jaw hits the floor. I look around at the pristine almost-not-lived-in silver, and white living space splayed out in front of me. She nudges me with her shoulder noticing I had stopped dead in my tracks, I quickly snap out of the daze I was in and shake my head clear as she giggles and grabs my hand again, dragging me farther into the white.

I sit on one of the many couches the line the room; I try to take in the overly simple yet extravagant room around me as Nat rummages around in the kitchen looking for something. She soon comes back into the room setting a mug next to me on the coffee table; I watch as she takes a sip of her drink before setting it down on the table next to mine. When she sits back up, I can tell she wants to tell me something. However, I don’t want her to know that I can read her, so I sit there looking around waiting for when she is comfortable enough to say it by herself.She clears her throat a few moments later; I turn to her finding that she is already looking at me, I raise my eyebrows in a questioning form to which she responds “I got the test results back on the letter and package..”


	7. Clues Upon Clues That Lead Nowhere New

**June 15th, 2016**

“I got the test results back on the letter and package.” She says I watch as she slowly looks away from me. I can tell just by that small movement that I won’t like the news she is about to give me. Softly she almost whispers  “They- they. Well umm, they led..” She clears her throat, taking a moment before speaking again “They were um.. They were inconclusive.” I can feel tears beginning to form at the edges my eyes before she even gets the last word out.  _ Inconclusive.  _ The word seems to sit in the room, sucking the air out. I wipe at my eyes in the hopes of stopping the silent tears falling down my face, I slowly begin to chuckle, and when Nat gives me a questioning look as I had given her moments ago I quiet down my chuckles a little saying “I’m sorry, truly I know this shouldn’t be funny. It's just after what happened during my tests today and now this, it's all a little funny I guess.” I watch as she furrows her brows before questioning “What happened with your tests?” I continue to chuckle closing my eyes and leaning back into the chair; I take a small sip of my drink in another attempt to keep some form of calm before responding to her question “Oh you know, just a full blown panic attack. I pulled the trigger and bam! I lost all control, Derek says I have PTSD, it's funny really. I could have told him that just from the nightmares, there was no need to get me to lose it.” I open my eyes glancing over at her, she has her mouth slightly open, and her eyes are widened in what seems to be a mix of emotions, I finally calm my chuckles down and reach my hand out lifting her chin up so her mouth it closed now. We look into each other's eyes; hers showing sympathy and sadness. Whereas mine is showing the anger and depression that I have been consumed by without Ryder there to help balance it all out. I speak up after another minute, or two have passed “Nat, I’m sorry about what I said. I’m still trying to process it all, but I shouldn't have just spit it out there. Anyway, you don’t have to worry about me; I can handle it.” I see her eyes processing what I said before flickering with what seems to be anger. She quickly slaps my hand away from her face where it has been resting. I stay silent knowing better than to anger her more, she stands up, pacing in front of the table before snapping her head towards me and yelling “I DON’T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT YOU?! YOU CAN HANDLE IT?!” I continue just to sit there silently watching her, which seems not to have been what she wanted before I can even blink she has pulled me off the chair by my collar and slammed my back into a wall. I stare at her as she brings her face close to mine “This should have been the first thing you told me. This is not something you can handle by yourself and for sure not something you should have told me with a joke!” she snarls at me, I slowly reach my hands up to the one she has gripping my shirt, softly prying her fingers from around the fabric. “I’m sorry, but I’m not going to make your life even more complicated with my crap. Especially after I found you in the alley today.” She looks down when I mention earlier; I sigh looking down as well frowning some. “Natalia, I am sorry for saying that...I think I’m gonna go.” I slip past her and out the door before she can even respond.

 

I smile a little as the rain begins to fall as I walk into my building stopping to grab the mail on the way up to the 13th floor. As I walk into the apartment, I flip through the mail smiling more as I see one from both my brother, my smile fades however when I see the plain unaddressed envelope. I, however, decided to look at it after my shower in a way to keep the good mood that the rain has brought to me, I set the letters down on the coffee table before walking over to the glass door leading out to the balcony. I stand there silently watching as the rain pours down over the city, when a big flash of lightning goes off I reach out my finger pointing to where it is, turning to where Ryder would typically be opening my mouth to speak before realizing that no one is there. I slowly bring my hand back down, putting it in my pocket before walking away from the window and farther into the apartment.

Setting down my towel and sweatpants on the counter I reach over trying to find the station that I always listen to. As the music begins to flow out of the speakers, I turn on the water getting it as hot as I can handle, quickly stripping down and slipping into the steaming water. I begin to lather my hair up with soap as I hear the voice of the radio host say “Up next is a dedication. To my dearest Finley, I hope you remember all the times I would play you this on the guitar with the rain pouring down outside. ~R” I flinch a little as I hear the beginning notes of a song I have not heard in a very long time. 

_ You know I’d fall apart without you, I don’t know how you do what you do _

_ ‘Cause everything that doesn't make sense about me, makes sense when I’m with you _

I slam my hands against the wall of the shower as the memories of many stormy nights spend around the windows, looking out at the rain as Ryder plays this song on his guitar.

_ Put aside the math and the logic of it, You gotta know you’re wanted too _

_ ‘Cause I wanna wrap you up, Wanna kiss your lips, I wanna make you feel wanted _

_ And I wanna call you mine, Wanna hold your hand forever, And never let you forget it _

_ Yeah, I, I wanna make you feel wanted. _

I slide down the wall until I am sitting under the steady stream of water, letting the now forgotten soap wash away. My mind flashes bits and pieces of memories from our past together, just screaming to be felt, to be relieved. I can’t help but hear Ryder’s voice singing when I try once more to escape the ropes my mind has tied around me.

_ When I wrap you up, When I kiss your lips, I wanna make you feel wanted _

_ And I wanna call you mine, Wanna hold your hand forever, And never let you forget it _

_ ‘Cause, baby, I, I wanna make you feel wanted _

_ As good as you make me feel, I wanna make you feel better, Better than your fairy tales _

_ Better than your best dreams, You’re more than everything I need _

_ You're all I ever wanted, All I ever wanted _

_ And I just wanna wrap you up, Wanna kiss your lips, I wanna make you feel wanted _

_ And I wanna call you mine, Wanna hold your hand forever, And never let you forget it _

_ Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted _

_ Baby, I wanna make you feel wanted _

_ You’ll always be..Wanted _

As the song fades out and the room becomes silent for a moment before being replaced by the next song, I slowly stand, quickly throwing on my sweats and leaving the bathroom without drying off. I storm into the living room leaving wet puddles in my wake before snatching up the unaddressed, blue envelope off of the table and ripping it open. I watch as a familiar looking gold chain falls into my hand, I quickly drop it before pressing my palms into the temples of my skull, bracing myself for the memory. 

**_October 20th, 2015_ **

_ I sit at a table outside of our favorite food truck, sipping on a hot tea watching as Ryder bounces from one shop cart to the other next. His eyes are bright as he comes running over and grabs my hand dragging me over to a jewelry cart. He quickly comes to a stop causing me to slam into his back. He laughs shaking it off as I pretend to have done it on purpose by wrapping my arms around his waist and resting my head on his shoulder so I can see whatever he wants to show me. He looks back at me hiding a chuckle behind a cheeky grin and pointing to a thin gold chain in one of the cases. I shake my head whispering against his ear “What on earth do you think you could use this for?” He smiles sheepishly before turning to me speaking in a hushed tone “Well I thought we could dress up for Halloween this year, plus you know there are many things I could do with a simple chain.” He winks at me before turning back to the cart looking through the other items. I roll my eyes chuckling some before succumbing to his wants “Fiinnnnee, but please hurry. My fingers are getting numb from the cold front that's moving in.” He gives me his brightest grin before turning to the shop owner and taking care of getting the chain. Once he got it he takes my hand in his; we stay like that as we walk home. _

**_End_ **

I stare down at the chain resting by my feet, reaching down and picking it up once more placing it on the table. As I back away from it as I begin to walk into my bedroom, looking back at it glistening in the mood light before shutting the door and climbing into bed. I lay there just staring away at the ceiling in the hopes that the dark arms of sleep will pull me into their unforgiving grasp just long enough for this day to be over. I slowly begin to drift off to sleep as I let the thoughts that are swarming through my head drag me into the dark. Right as I am about to let myself be taken in the dark completely, I hear a thud come from the front room. I open my eyes staring over at the door thinking that I may have just imagined it, however when the second noise echoes into the room. I get up as quietly as I can, reaching into the drawer next to the bed pulling out two throwing knives before walking to the door and silently making my way through the hallway. I focus myself on making as little sound as possible, as I reach the end of the hall I see a silhouette of someone standing over the coffee table holding the chain as it glistens with the light. I get closer noticing that the figure is female, she doesn't seem to have noticed me there yet, however as I get closer I forget about a squeaky floorboard. As the sound echoes through the room the women quickly springs into action, she comes running at me kicking out, her food making contact to my jaw. I’m taken back a second and that second is all the mystery women need. She throws herself out onto the fire escape, chain in hand. I follow her out into the night; I chase her keeping a close eye as we run down the fire escape. As I jump down off of the latter and into the alley I look around, she had only reached the end a few seconds ago, but as I look around, there is no one to be seen. I run to the end of the alley looking out on the sidewalks, but as I continue to look around, I come to realize that the streets are completely deserted.

I stare out at the alleyway in the hopes that the shadowed figure will return however that all melts away as the sun begins to rise along the city skyline. I take a swig of the coffee that I have been sipping on since 2 am, trying to stretch out my stiff body as I stand. Why would the only thing stolen be the chain? I think to myself, there are plenty of other things in this apartment, this room that would have gotten more money on the market but for some reason, they passed up all that for a fake gold chain. That's when the memory from last night flashed quickly through my mind again. Why would this person send me a trashy chain we could have gotten anywhere. That's when it hits me maybe it's not just about the chain, perhaps it's about the place. I groan as I let my mind admit that I will have to go back there if I wanna find out anything about why I got the chain and if I’m lucky, why someone broke in stealing only that. I run my hands over my face and up through my hair as I walk into the bedroom and straight over to the closet pulling out a pair of jeans and a plain shirt. I grab my keys, sunglasses, baseball cap, helmet before shrugging on my leather jacket and heading out to the parking garage. 

I slow as I pull up near the entrance to the farmers market, pulling off my helmet and placing it on the bike. I look around seeming to have let myself become paranoid in the past few weeks as I continue to look around and study the people around me before silently beginning to walk into the farmers market. As I walk into the depth of the market hoping that the cart is still in the same spot I let my eyes graze over the carts I pass letting my mind wander to what Ryder would think of the things in the carts and why someone would want me to come back here. I let my lips be tugged into a small smile as I come to the food truck we used to visit at least once a week, I quickly look around for the jewelry carts but frown some when I realize that it's nowhere to be seen. I try looking around the whole market at least two more times before coming back to the truck and deciding to stop at the food truck. I order myself a veggie taco and a beer before sitting down at a table nearby. I begin to people watch as I eat my food and take sips of my beer, however when I see a familiar face in the crowd of people I have to do a double take. I watch as she looks around seeming to be looking for something, or someone. Pulling my cap a little lower on me head, as I watch her walk up to the truck window. I lean in closer sadly only catching a fragment of the conversation being had “Back so soon, Beautiful?” I hear the man inside the truck as her; she rolls her eyes before spitting out something in another language at the man. He seems to find her outburst amusing and continues to chuckle softly before handing her a soda. I watch as she comes closer to my table having not recognizing me. As she passes, I look straight in front of me and say “Stalking me again? Please tell me this isn’t going to become a regular thing.” She quickly spins around looking down at me, while giving me a slightly confused look hissing at me “Who do you think..” immediately recognizing me. I motion my hand towards the chair in front of me; she cautiously sits opening her mouth before closing it again. I wait for her to answer me, letting her decide what she wants to tell me even though I’m not sure if I would believe anything she told me by the way she has been acting recently. Plus why was she here, this place was not her style, and it was on the wrong side of town compared to everything else she goes to. She opens her mouth again this time finding the will to speak “I’m not stalking you, at least not this time.” She says giving me a quick wink and her signature smirk. I roll my eyes behind my sunglasses, which she seems to pick up on by her small giggle she gives in response. We sit there joking around and passing the time as we sit there just spending time with each other. Soon enough, however, Nat looks down at her watch on her right arm before looking back up at me, speaking once more “I’m sorry Finn, I have to head up to HQ.”  I smile some at her standing when she does “Here let me throw this stuff away; then I will walk you to your car.” She nods walking past the rest of the tables in case someone wanted to use our abandoned table, I quickly gather up our trash and walk over to the trashcan. I am about to throw away the trash when I feel something strange on the bottom of my plate. I grab it before throwing away the rest of the things in my hand when I look down at the sticky note; my eye widens as I read the words scrawled on the paper “ _ Is it just me or does she seem to be acting strange? Maybe trusting her was the wrong call, just saying she wasn’t always such a good girl.”  _ I quickly wipe my head around trying to point out who put the note on my plate, when I find no one particularly suspicious I quickly jog to catch up with Nat as she begins to walk towards the parking lot. As we walk I cautiously glance over at her thinking of the note. This was the first one that wasn’t signed maybe someone else sent this one. Whoever it was they could be right about Natalia; I curse myself for thinking it even though all the signs point to her hiding something from me. We soon reach her car, and I open the door for her as she gets in, we exchange our goodbyes quickly as I shut the door behind her. I watch as she drives of waving with a smile until I can no longer see her crimson red sports car. As I mount my bike I let a thought that I never wanted to think about pass through my mind, What if Natalia is ~R?


	8. A Few White Lies, Is That What We Are Calling It Now?

**July 19th, 2016**

As the weeks pass with a continuous stream of things from ~R, I begin to adjust to having their presence in my life. I don’t blatantly ignore them, learned my lesson doing that,  but I have also stopped dropping everything just for a little sticky note or package. I don’t want to give the person the satisfaction of controlling me, especially if it's who I think it is. I try not to create the impression to Natalia that I believe that it's her, she understands me pulling away seeming to blame it on the fact that I have been stressed and am trying to focus on getting my PTSD under control to go back to work. They say that I could be back at work within a week or two, it would be desk duty, but honestly, it's better than going stir crazy by myself in this apartment. I look up from my journal looking out at the city in front of me; I close the book letting out a breath I didn’t know I was holding before climbing back into the apartment. As I get to a standing position, I softly toss the book onto the couch walking over to the kitchen area. I grab the orange juice bottle taking a swig, checking my phone as I set the bottle down on the counter. I scroll through my notification stopping when i come to a couple of texts, I quickly unlock my phone opening the one from Derek first as I read it aloud I smile a little “Hey Finley, I know you don’t wanna hear this but you gotta come in today. We gotta test yah again, make sure you're actually getting better, ya know? :)” I roll my eyes taking another swig before typing my reply to him “It's okay, I needed an excuse to get out of house arrest. :P I’ll be by in about an hour or so.” Once It has sent I go on to look at the other message seeing it's from Natalia. I let my finger hover over the message trying to decide if I wanted to even read it, let alone answer it. I close my eyes letting out a sigh as I let my finger click the message. I reopen my eyes looking down at the message before me, reading it aloud as I had with Derek’s moments ago “Hey, I know you have been going through a hard time. Maybe you could use a pick me up? We could do dinner tonight, I’ll cook. What do you say?” I let the corners of my mouth tug up into a small smile, rolling my eyes. There's no harm in a simple dinner, especially a home cooked one. I quickly type up my reply reading it over before pressing send “Sounds good, I will get the ingredients and wine. Come round 7?” I set the phone down on the counter taking another swig of juice before placing the bottle back in the fridge. I hear my phone ding as I begin to walk towards the bedroom as if it knows I was leaving it to fend for itself. Quickly walking back over to it I pick it up reading the text that was sent while I was away. I chuckle some at Nat’s response “You're such a housewife, with your need for wine. I’ll see you at 7, get something good for dinner.” When I reach my bedroom I throw the phone onto the bed quickly pulling my sweatpants off before stepping into a slightly tight pair of jeans and pulling on a tight white v-neck. I then grab a pair of boots tieing them on, picking up the phone off the bed and walking out of the room.

I reach up pushing my ear bud back into my ear as I push a cart down one of the many aisles of Bo’s Market, I smile as the familiar pop tune begins playing through my headphones as I reach out and pick out a bag of pasta. I continue down the aisle a little more stopping in front of the sauces. I stare at the many jars lining the I think to myself how there is no way all of these sauces could be different from each other, I let my hips sway slightly to the Me Too blasting through my earbuds before finally just closing my eyes and reaching forward to pick one of the many red sauces. I continue dancing around in the aisle as the song plays on. When the song has finished I continue on with my shopping glancing around quickly a few times before leaving the aisle checking if anyone saw. I continue shopping checking these off the list as I go; cheese, wine (red), pasta/sauce, bread, and salad. Once I have checked everything off of the list I begin my long wait in the endless check out line. When I finally reach the front of the line I received a bright smile from the cashier, she checks the items I have and bags them before looking back up at me “Your total is $46.58. Also has anyone ever told you that you have the most beautiful blue eyes?” As I slide my card I look up at the young girl giving her a small smile “Thank you Miss.” She nods ripping off my receipt from the machine and hurriedly scribbling something on the back of it, when she hands it to me I turn it over finding what i presume to be her phone number next. I grab my bag pushing the paper into before looking up at her one last time “Lizzie, is it? You should really try hitting on people that actually swing your way” I say giving her a quick wink before walking out of the store and into the warm and welcoming streets. I let a faint smile cross my lips thinking of how the young girl in the store reminded me of Natalia when she would flirt with the pizza guy or a waiter at a restaurant. I quickly push the thoughts away not wanting to think of anything to do with Nat until later. As I walk down the maze of streets that will lead me home. I look around seeing small family owned restaurants and shops I spot a small jewelry shop coming to a stop in front of it letting my free hand come up pulling a chain with a ring hanging from under my shirt. I let my thumb run over the smooth silver band hanging from the chain, remembering how I found it wrapped around the handle on my bike earlier in the week. I take a deep breath before walking into the small shop, walking through the store stopping to look into the large glass cases displayed around the room. As I stop in front of the second glass I hear footsteps approach and stop on the other side of the case, I look up through my lashes surprised when I see an elderly man looking at me, I give him a warm smile straightening up again. “Is there something I can help you with young man? Maybe help you find the perfect ring for a special someone?” The elderly man asks smiling back at me. I give a small nod before setting my shopping bag down next to my feet and taking the chain off setting it on the case. “I was wondering if you sold this ring here?” The old man reaches out a shaky hand and picks up the ring, the chain dangling from his hand. He pulls out a pair of glasses from his shirt pocket and puts them on holding the ring up closer to his face so he can look at it. After a moment or two he gives me another warm and friendly smile, placing the ring back down on the glass in front of me. “We do sell that ring here, but the one you have is specially made with the thin line on the inside of the ring. I remember when the sweet young man came in to get this one. He said it was for his other half, they had been going through a tough time recently but said soon it would be over and he was going to tell them that all he ever wanted to do was spend the rest of his life with them. That someone could come along and take everything from him but as long as he had that one person he would never need anything or anyone else. The line in the middle that has no end, it symbolized that their love was never ending.” As the elderly man finished talking I realized that there were a few tears slipping down my cheeks, I pick up the chain placing it back around my neck. I wipe away the stray tears looking back up at the man and give him a weak smile “Thank you for this, it may not seem like much but it's just what I needed to know. Have a beautiful day.” I say picking up the bag from the floor and walking out of the store. I turn back as the door is about to close swearing that I heard the man say “It will get better, Fin. Don’t worry.” However when I look back into the store window the elderly man is nowhere to be seen. I blink a few times before turning back towards the street brushing the thought from my mind. I continue on my trek home keeping my hand subconsciously wrapped around the ring that's hanging from my neck.

I pant as the treadmill comes to a stop, quickly catching my breath I glare at Derek who is standing in front of the vile machine with a cheeky grin plastered on his face. Rolling my eyes at him, I climb off the contraption and grab a towel wiping off sweat from my face. “You did well minus the huge puddle that's now pooled in the middle of the machine of course,” Derek says coming up next to me trying to hold in a chuckle. I give him another deadly glare trying to stay mad at him for pushing the machine farther up than was necessary for the test. However when I looked at him and his big puppy dog eyes I quickly lose my battle of seriousness and smiled warmly at him, chuckling a little when he takes a step back out of surprise from my sudden change in emotions on my face. I watch as he blushes slightly, quickly recovering before chucking along with me. Soon enough we are just smiling and looking at each other, having nothing to talk about but not wanting to leave each other either. Soon enough the silence ends by the sound of my phone going off; I look away from his hazel eye reaching into my duffle bag shuffling around in it looking for my phone. When I find it I look up at him through my lashes seeing that he raises his eyebrows looking down at the phone in my hand and then back at me. I look down at the phone seeing a message from ~R. “I see you're trying to replace me, good luck with that dollface. We both know I’m irreplaceable.” I then look up at Derek again finding him still staring at me. I give him a warm smile before opening my mouth “It's just a message from the doorman, Frank. He said someone dropped some kind of package off for me at the front desk. He just wanted to let me know.” Derek nods knotting his hands together in front of him and looking down at them. When he looks back up, he is back to his usual sober self, and I frown a little when I notice it “You did great today and from what I hear the therapy is going good, you should be back to work by month's end.” I give a small nod before throwing my water and towel into my duffle bag before slinging it over my shoulder and walking out of the room. As I walk out of the building, I think of how quickly the mood switched in that room. 

I sit on the couch reading and occasionally looking up as Natalia stands at the stove humming softly to herself cooking away. I smile when the two of us lock eyes before sticking out my tongue and looking back down at my book. She continues to hum and dance in front of the stove while cooking away; I smile taking out my phone and taking a short video of her only stopping when her phone begins to ring. I quickly shove my phone into my pocket, looking at my book waiting for the ringing to stop.I look up at the sound of Natalia’s voice “Can you please grab that? I’m in the middle of like five things.” I nod and set my book down walking over to her bag on the counter; I begin to dig through her bag having no luck finding the cell phone. It stops ringing but soon starts again, I finally just decide to pour her bag's contents onto the counter hoping that I can easily find the phone that way before the phone stops ringing again. To my surprise, however, when I pour the bag on to the counter and spread out the contents in hopes of finding the goddamn contraption that just continues to ring, I am greeted by a letter with my name on it and the signature I have become very familiar with. I look up at Nat who has her back to me before continuing to look through the contents that are spread out in front of me. My eyes are drawn to a bright piece of metal, and when I pick it up, I almost drop it as I realize that it's the chain I was sent in the mail, the one thing stolen from me during the break in. I let the chain slide between my finger and hit the ground not letting my thoughts catch up with my action. Before I know it I grab Natalia by the neck and slam her into the wall next to the counter, with my free hand I pick up the letter off the counter and wave it in front of her face. “WHAT IS THIS?! WHY THE HELL DO, YOU HAVE THESE?!” I scream I can feel her nails scratching at my hand begging me to let go, but I only drag her farther up the wall until just her toes are touching the ground. She quietly squeaks out “It's...him” I let go of her neck and take a step back glaring down at Natalia that is crumpled down on at my feet. She takes in a few breathes trying to gain air into her lungs before looking back up at me, with tears in her eye. “It's him” she repeats “Its Ryder, he’s alive.”


	9. Time To Drop The Illusions

**July 19th, 2016**

**Natalia’s POV**

I sit down on a barstool turning to face Finley, just by looking into his eye I can see all of his emotions; hate, anger, betrayal, and sadness. I knew this day would come and I had been letting my mind destroy me by thinking of as many different ways this could all go as humanly possible to think up. In all of them his eyes showed those same four emotions, and now that it's all finally here I’m not sure what to say or even what I’m feeling. I quietly start speaking, slowly getting louder “I’m sorry, I didn’t tell you earlier he told me it was for your safety. That I had to let, you find him on your own. I only found him by accident, when I took that letter and packaged to the lab they didn’t find any prints, but someone was able to track them down to the address they were sent from. I went there thinking that it would be a dead end but was surprised to find Ryder. He never explained exactly what was happening, but he said that he was in danger and if you knew about him being alive that would put you at risk, he couldn’t bare to be the one to put you in danger, so he had me promise not to tell you. I tried to keep the pledge, but he could tell I was going to slip up, so he came to talk to me the day you found me in the alley. He was the one in the car; he told me that he was going to find somewhere safe and then tell you and that it shouldn’t be long. All I could see though was you suffering and even after his visit I almost told you when we went up to my apartment.” I stop as a sickening laugh begins to escape from Finn's mouth “YOU DIDN’T TELL ME THOUGH, YOU JUST LET ME SUFFER.” He screams at me. I watch as he stands from his stool and begins to pace in the open space in the middle of the room. “YOU DIDN’T TELL ME NAT. YOU PROBABLY NEVER WOULD HAVE IF I HADN’T ACCUSED YOU. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS? I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST YOU BUT I GUESS I WAS WRONG.” He shouts glaring daggers at me with his eye between sentences. I watch as his emotions change and fight to have control of him, seeing all of them disappear from him other than the burning anger that has begun to engulf him. “I THOUGHT THAT YOU HAD BECOME A GOOD PERSON, BUT I GUESS YOU CAN NEVER TRULY TAKE AWAY THE HEARTLESSNESS THAT YOU WERE RAISED WITH. MAYBE THAT'S WHY DYSON DIED. YOU PROBABLY KILLED HIM, BECAUSE THAT'S JUST THE HEARTLESS BITCH YOU ARE.” I stumble off of my stool momentarily stunned by his words; I can feel my emotions threatening to take control with the mention of Dyson’s name. It was not my fault; I know that somewhere deep down and Fin was always the one to constantly remind me of that whenever I would begin to relapse into my old ways. To hear him say that it was lighting a long forgotten fuse in me, I give up control over myself and just get lost in the emotions. Before I know it my hands begin to impact with his chest repeatedly, I know that I’m not hurting him and that if I wanted to, I could, but I choose to just continue with the continuous motion of one fist after the other pounding against him, tears streaming endlessly down my face. I can’t control myself as the words begin to just spill out of my mouth “I MAY BE HEARTLESS BUT YOU, YOU ARE WORTHLESS, YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO ME. YOU CAN BRING UP DYSON, FINE BUT AT LEAST I AM NOT TRYING TO DROWN AWAY MY SORROWS BY TOYING WITH SOMEONE'S HEART. THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE IS STILL ALIVE, WANTS YOU TO FIND HIM BUT ALL YOU CAN DO IS MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF WITH TALL DARK AND CREEPY.” I stop taking a quick breath and swallowing not giving my brain enough to register what I am saying before continuing “AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON YOU GETTING BACK INTO THE ORGANIZATION. YOU ARE WEAK, AND THEY ARE FINALLY ABLE TO SEE THAT NOW THAT YOU ARE NOT HIDDEN BEHIND RYDERS SHADOW. HE WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN IN ENOUGH DANGER TO HAVE TO FAKE HIS DEATH IF IT WASN’T FOR HOW WEAK YOU ARE IF YOU HADN’T BEEN HIDING BEHIND A STUPID SCREEN THAT NIGHT HE WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN OUTNUMBERED AND EXPOSED. HE WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN FORCED INTO HIDING IF YOU WOULD JUST GROW THE FUCK UP AND STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING BABY THAT EVERYONE HAS TO TAKE CARE OF.” For a moment I can see the hurt I have just caused him flash through his eyes but that is soon gone, and he is taking  steps closer to me as I take them away from him in an attempt to keep him some space between us, I am forced to deal with our closeness as my back comes in contact with front door. I look up at him as he grabs my wrist finally fighting back I think to myself, getting into as much of a fighting stance as I can without the use of my arms and our proximity. I watch his eyes as much as I can as he brings his face closer to mine, his lips against my ear. “Get the hell out of my apartment and stay the fuck away from me.” he growls into my ear before releasing my arms and stepping away from me, turning to look out the window, waiting for me to leave. I turn and grab the doorknob turning back to look at him over my shoulder before walking out into the hall slamming the door behind me. I sit down next to the door letting all of my emotions hit me in waves. Anger. Sadness, Regret. I look back up at the door wishing for him to open it so we can apologize to each other, but I know that's not gonna happen. We may not have completely meant what we said, but in ways, we did mean bits and pieces of it. I wipe at my face in an attempt to stop the never ending stream of the tear but quickly give in and pull out my phone trying to ignore the puddle of water currently surrounding me. I pull open a new message hoping that even with my blurry vision at the moment that I can type out the message. “He knows about you, and if you don’t fix all of this soon, I will rip your balls off with my bare hands. That's a promise.” I click send and looking back at the door once more before getting to my feet letting them do what he wished, take me far away from him.

**Finley’s POV**

I flinch as I hear the door slam shut behind Natalia. Why did I have to bring up Dyson? His death was not her fault by any means, and I know she struggles with the guilt she holds towards her past especially his passing. “God, why am I so stupid?!” I scream and walk towards the nearest wall and slam my fist into it watching as it goes through the wall like it was air. I turn away from the wall, and that's when I see the trail of tears from the door that then lead to where she was had been standing, pounding her fists against my chest. Was she crying? I have never seen her full on cry and to have it at my hand makes it so much worse. I remember how she once told me that if someone were ever to make her cry they would have to break her. I let crumble to the floor before whispering into the now empty apartment “Oh shit, I broke her. I broke the assassin.” I sit there in the silent night staring off out the window until I am interrupted by the ding indication on my phone of an incoming text. I quickly jump off of the floor and over to my phone that is on the coffee table in the hopes that the text will be from Nat. “Wow, you’ve really become cold. That's not the Finley I know ~Ryder” I read, I feel a surge of anger before throwing my phone across the room before shouting “MAYBE THAT'S CAUSE THE FINLEY YOU KNOW DIED WHEN YOU LEFT.”


	10. Coffee And Pistols For Two

**August 25th, 2016**

I grimace as my eyes glance over at the hole in the wall as I walk out of the front door, the memory of that night. It may have been a few weeks be every time my eyes make contact with the hole I can hear the echoes of our screaming bouncing off the walls. I walk off towards my bike,  throwing my leather jacket on over my black v-neck. I quickly climb onto the vehicle and begin my trek through the winding streets of Brooklyn leading me to HQ.

Once I arrive, I swiftly and quietly walk to my desk trying my best to avoid eye contact with anyone. Most people have learned through the past couple weeks that Finley Thompson without Ryder Evans is not always the friendliest person in the world. I don’t mean to be, but by the time we started working here, Ryder and I were half of the same whole, we were inseparable, and now I’m am without the better half of myself I have become sarcastic and cold. I sit down picking up one of the case files on my desk and begin typing up the notes from my computer. I’m not sure how long I have been typing or how many records I’ve gone through when I hear a cough come from in my left. I quickly close the file before looking up to see a grinning Derek sitting on the edge of my desk. I roll my eyes before smiling some at him “What do you need Derek?” His grin growing as he scoots closer to me “I don’t need nothin, just wanted to drop off this for yah. Another package, you seem to be offly popular these days Hot Shot.” I roll my eyes again before taking the manila envelope he was holding out to me before quickly opening up the bottom cabinet in my desk shoving the package in there before turning back to look at Derek a little surprised by how close he was. Had he moved closer since I looked away? I push the thought away looking at him, waiting for him to speak. He opens he mouth quickly shutting it letting his eyes find some fascinating part of the carpet to focus on before trying again.When he opens his mouth again, he can find the words that he had forgotten before “Hey so I don’t mean to pry or anything, but you have seemed, for lack of a better word, meaner these past few weeks. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I’m here if you want to talk, we could do coffee or something sometimes. Nothing fancy just out of the work place” he says looking up at me through his lashes and gesturing around us with his hand. I nod softly not trusting myself to speak as my mind begins flashing everything from that night. He nods standing and looking over his shoulder before leaving my desk but before he gets too far I stand and say “Thank you it means a lot, and I’d like to talk sometime. Coffee tomorrow?” He smiles brightly, turning to walk away again shouting over his shoulder “It’s a date.”

I wait until he turns the corner before sitting back down in my chair, reopening the bottom cabinet of my desk and pulling out a medium size box, setting it on my lap. I pull out the package, opening it and peering inside a little taken back when I find a plain clear CD case. I open the case taking the CD out with a shaking hand and placing it on the player. Anything could be on the disk I think to myself but if I know Ryder and how desperate he has been becoming to reach me and confirm I am still out here in the world and alive after the big realization I’m pretty sure I could make a safe assumption on what is on the disk. Though when it fully loads, and I am greeted with the face of the love of my life that I thought was dead for months I nearly drop my headphones. However, I quickly recover putting the contraption onto my head and clicking play on the video, trying to prepare myself with a deep breath for the velvety-soft voice that he was about to let bombard his eardrums. 

**_July 14th 2016 - Video *Ryder’s POV*_ **

_ I look down at the floor, looking up at the camera shyly through my lashes seeing my emerald green eyes reflected back at me in the lens. He hates me I think staring at the camera a second or two longer before wiping the thought from my mind, reaching out and turning it on so it's recording. I smile at the lens trying to imagine Fin’s face instead. I clear my throat looking down at my hands in my lap and up at the camera through my lashes again before speaking “I want to start by saying I am so sorry that I can’t be there with you and you may not understand right now why I can’t but I hope someday you will. I just can’t be the reason you're in danger, please tell Natalia I’m sorry as well. I had no right to drag her into this, but when she found me and told me how shitty you were doing I pulled her into it in the hopes the I could lessen the blow maybe make it easier for you to find me before you figured out she was involved. Anyway don’t blame her, please she didn’t want to be a part of it and kept trying to get out of it.” I take a long deep breath and shift in my sit, unable to make full eye contact with the camera. “You have been ignoring me. I’m pretty sure you knew that though”I say letting out a breathy laugh, running my hand through my growing scruff before continuing “I guess other than to apologize I wanted to make this video to let you in on what I’m doing. You don’t have to care, but since I have been keeping you in the dark for so long i feel like it's only fair you know it all even the boring stuff.”  I smile now hanging my head and shaking it, letting my longer locks fall on my face. “Since I last saw you I have been on the run, jumping from city to city, country to country. If nothing else I can say this world is a truly beautiful place filled with some pretty beautiful people. Sadly since I’m on the run I can’t stay in one place for very long and am forced to only stay for a couple weeks at most, if that.” I gulp and run my hand over my face, feeling the week old scruff against my palm. “So along the way I have met many people and I wish you would have been here to meet them, they showed that there truly is hope for humanity somewhere down the line. Like this one gentleman, he was a war vet and ran a motel i stayed at. I can’t remember which war he served in at the time but we spent many days where he would tell me stories of his life, before and after the war. He was such a sweet man and taught me many things about how I should be living my life, he even tried to teach me how to fight which I have to say was something you would have found hilarious.” I chuckle fondly remembering him hitting be on the back of the head every time I did something wrong or made a snarky comment. I look down as my phone lights up, a picture lighting up the screen I grinning before looking back into the camera lens “There was also this single mother, around our age with a 7 year old boy, Jackson. She let me crash on her couch for weeks in exchange for watching the little munchkin every now and then. I didn’t even mind, he reminded me of you when we were younger. We became extremely close while I was staying there and she often went out on date and came back and we would eat ice cream pantsless while she would tell me of the horrid men she had dinner with that evening. Through those long nights of shares stories of men, I began to tell her everything about you; you kind eyes and spirit, your talent with words, your effortless beauty. I think she may have a feeling as if she already knows you and the little one often asked when you would come to visit because he would hear us talk about you so much. I promised that we would come visit when this is all over, so that they can meet the “superhero” in person” I chuckle to myself as i do finger quotation marks around the word superhero. “She, Emily, sends me pictures almost daily of Jackson and his random childhood decision making skills. We also Facetime maybe once a week or so and she tells of the grand failures of the men in Arkansa. I’d like to think of them as family even though I only lived with them a few weeks. There were many more places and people that changed me, freed me as you can tell by the trail of postcards I have sent to you.” I take a shallow breath looking down at the floor my breath hitching in my throat as i try to speak again, I quietly clear my throat and try again in a soft quiet voice “I want you to be happy, even if that's not with me. If that means that you want me to ignore, or that you want to be with someone else. I just need to know that you are happy, that you're safe and that there are days when you fall in love with being alive.” I say looking straight into the camera feeling the tears streaming down my face, I run my hands over my face and through my hair. “That being said I want you to know that I will never give up on you, on us. No matter what happens to me and no matter what you decide will make you happy I want you to never forget that I will never give up.” I pick up my guitar that is sitting just out of view of the camera, balancing it on my lap. Looking down at the chords, strumming lightly as I begin to play the song on my mind. I look back into the camera letting the tears stream down my face as i let the lyrics fall from my lips “When I look into your eyes. It’s like watching the night sky. Or a beautiful sunrise. Well, there’s so much they hold. And just like them old stars. I see that you’ve come so far. To be right where you are. How old is your soul? Well, I won’t give up on us. Even if the skies get rough. I’m giving you all my love. I’m still lookin up. And when  you’re needing your space. To do some navigating. I’ll be here patiently waiting. To see what you find. ‘Cause even the stars they burn. Some even fall to the Earth. We’ve got a lot to learn. God knows we’re worth it. No I won’t give up. I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily. I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make. Our differences they do a lot to teach is how to use. The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake. And in the end , you’re still my friend at least we did intend. For us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn. We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in. I had to learn what I got, and what I’m not, and who I am. I won’t give up on us. Even if the skies get rough. I’m giving you all my love. I’m still looking up, I’m still looking up. Well, I won’t give up on us. God knows I’m tough enough. We’ve got a lot to learn. God knows we’re worth it. I won’t give up on us, Even if the skies get rough, I’m giving up all my love, I’m still looking up.” I finish the song placing the guitar back down and wiping harshly at my tear stained face in an attempt to stop my tears but just causing more to fall town in their wake.  I give a soft, sad smile into the camera and cough back the sob that was threatening to escape from my throat “I love you and hope that soon we will be with one another again, if you will have me that is. I am sorry” and with that I reach up, clicking the button and turning the recording off.  _

**_End_ **

I stare at the screen as the video ends and the screen goes black, I quickly rub at my eyes, scrubbing away the tears that stain my cheeks. I look back into the box at the large stack of postcards with places the span all over the States and one from a small city somewhere in Europe. I take them out, setting them on the desk before looking back into the box taking stock of the rest of its contents; a copy of The Breakfast Club, a bottle of Ryder’s favorite cologne, and a puzzle of all the places we had once wanted to visit when we were just boys. I smile softly placing the stack of postcard back in the box along with the CD of Ryder’s video message. I place the lid on the box before standing up, grabbing the box under my arm and rushing out of the office in a blur.

**August 26th 2016**

I smile up at the stormy gray sky letting the rain fall on my face, my hair sticking to the side of my face. I watch as people rush past me, hiding under hoodies and umbrellas attempting to shield themselves from the storm that has been taking its wrath out on our city for the past few hours. I walk slowly down the buzzling streets nearing the coffee shop I’m supposed to meet Derek at in 15 minutes. As I near it my eyes are drawn to a building across the street from where I stand, a black sign with yellow letters spelling out “If you love me still, let me know ~Ry” My lips inadvertently quirk up into a small smile, how can he think that I don’t love him? He is part of me, I could never not love him. I look back up at the sky letting  my smile grow as the rain pelts down on my skin harder than it was moments ago. I walk into the coffee shop letting the warm air envelope around me like a blanket, the smell of rain being exchanged for the smell of strong coffee. I quickly walk up to the counter ordering myself a coffee before situating myself at a small corner table giving a perfect view of the busy street, and the world around me. I stare out the window watching the rain fall down on the couples and families trying to get to cover, I turn my head slightly as someone slides into the seat in front of me, coughing gingerly in hopes of taking my eyes off of the outside world. I nod my head slowly with barely enough movement to be seen as more than a mistake of someone's vision, I lift my drink up to my lips taking a sip of my bitter coffee closing my eyes for a moment opening them again but keeping them on the world outside the glass once I began to speak “Do you ever just sit somewhere and look out the window, watching the world pass you by? Watching as it leaves you there and you lose your control and grip on the things around you as you just sit and watch it all move on without you?” I blink back the tears that were beginning to pool at the rim of my eyes before turning to Derek with a small smile my voice cracking as i speak again “You're early.” He smiles looking down at his watch on his right hand before looking back up at me “Maybe a little. I didn’t want to chance it, especially with this weather. Plus must I remind you that you seem to have been here before me.” He says motioning to the fact that my once drenched clothes are almost completely dry with only a small puddle at my feet to show they were ever wet. I nod again, this time more noticeable taking another sip of my coffee in the hopes that Derek would continue the discussion. He seems to take the hint giving me one of his signature cheeky smiles before speaking “I’m so glad you took me up on this offer. We can move as slowly as you want to.” My eyes blink up at him in a flash as i feel a blush slowly creep up my neck, making its way up my cheeks and ears. I gulp loudly “Thank you for that. You mentioned yesterday that you had noticed I had been meaner in the past few weeks and may be in the need of someone to talk, what were you insinuating?” I watch as his smile falters and then disappears all together “Something happened to you, the night that you had your last evaluation. I don’t know what but ever since then you have been different, distant and seemingly hopeless.” He says trying his best to avoid eye contact with me by staring intently at his own drink clasped in his hands tightly. I smile weakly staring out the window once again “Yeah, something happened that night. I don’t mean to take it out on everyone it just eats away at me.” I look over at him quickly seeing him nodding some before turning away again before speaking once more “Me and.. Natalia… we had a fight.. She had been hiding something from me, for months. We blew up at each other and it got ugly. I’m really sorry for how I have treated you and everyone else around me because of it. I’ve just been really stressed cause of it and with no one to talk to I guess I have just been bottling it up and spending so much energy on that to the point I’m not noticing that it's bursting out at the seams.” I look up as i bring my cup up to my lips, seeing that he is already staring at me with a strange half smile playing on the corners of his mouth. I smile back at him shyly waiting for him to speak, my eyes drawn to his mysterious smile as it begins to grow while he speaks “It's okay Finny, you just need to have a night out. Maybe have some fun.” he says with a wink, i nod some as he continues to talk. “Why don’t we go out tonight? Have a little fun.” I cough almost spitting out the sip of coffee i had just taken surprised by his question, when I have recovered from my surprise and almost death by embarrassment. I raise my brow almost whispering “As in a date?” It was his turn to be slightly surprised yet he quickly covers it with a light chuckle responding “Yeah, I was thinking maybe it could be a date.”  I feel a blush creep its way up my face as i look down to my hands that are resting on the table. “I..i.. I don’t know Derek.” i stutter out, I can almost feel his smile falter before he speaks again. “Oh come on. What do you have planned tonight that can’t be postponed?” I laugh slightly at his comment knowing that he is right. I look back up at him rolling my eyes some “I guess we could go out tonight, can’t keep me out too late though. I might turn into a pumpkin if you do.” He laughs again, a huge smile playing on his lips. I smile back at him taking the last sip of my coffee, standing up before looking back down at Derek “Well I must go, gotta make sure I’m ready for tonight and all.” He rolled his eyes, quickly taking my hand giving it a soft kiss before I walk out of the small cafe.

I look down to my phone checking the time as I hear a knock on the front door. Shit, I think to myself as I hurriedly rush to the door with one shoe on my foot the other having been left forgotten on the bedroom floor. I look through the peephole seeing Derek standing there looking up and down the hall, I smile to myself feeling a bit of a blush creep up my neck as I notice he looks nervous. I unlock and open the door  hurriedly voicing my apologies for not being ready before he got there, I quickly rush off to my room Derek’s soft chuckles following me down the hall. Hurriedly I find my other shoe and run a comb through my hair trying to tame it from sticking out in all different before grabbing the ring necklace off of the bedside table and putting it on, tucking it into my shirt the cold metal resting against my chest. When I am satisfied with how I look I rush back out into the living room almost slipping as I come back into the room seeing Derek back to me as he stares out the window looking at the beautiful cityscape spread out in front of him. I smile slowly walking over to him, stopping when I’m standing just behind him “Beautiful view isn’t it? When we were looking for places Ryder kept finding things wrong with each place in an attempt to keep us from moving out of the current apartment we were out, but that all changed when he saw this view.” I noticed as I began speaking that Derek jumped seeming to be startled by how close my voice was to his ear. I smile some coming around to his right side and looking out at the city for a moment before looking over at him taking in his appearance for the first time tonight. How the dark blue shirt that's clinging to the muscles of his chest and arms brings out his brilliant sapphire blue eyes even more than his caramel skin normally does. I can feel him looking me up at down as I am very obviously doing to him, he smirks some before saying “Like what you see?” I roll my eyes smiling forcing my eyes to meet his. I nod some letting my eyes roam over his body once more before looking back up at him “You look amazing tonight. Hoping you didn’t do all this for me” i say gesturing to him with my hand. I watch as a blush makes it way onto the apples of his cheeks, feeling my own blush creep up as he speaks “Thank you, I meant to say it first but you beat me to it. You look absolutely radiant.” “This old thing” I say gesturing to my outfit smirking at him “Just something I threw on, no big deal” I say with a quick wink before chuckling as Derek rolls his eyes and then chuckles along with me. After we calm down we share a silent moment looking from the view of each other before Derek clears his throat and speaks up some “We should get going, don’t want to miss our reservations, now do we?” I nod letting him lead the way out of the apartment, locking the door behind us before following him out to his car.

I look at the waiter as I order a whiskey on the rocks and an order of Ratatouille before turning my attention back over to Derek even though he’s just ordering “Lasagne and some red wine, please whatever you recommend” he say to the waiter his eyes meeting with mine as the waiter walks off towards the kitchen presumably to place our order in. I smile over at him, he smiles a slight blush dusted across his cheeks as he bites his lip softly before speaking “ I have something I have meant to say to you, and I really hope it doesn't scare you off or anything but,” He stops swallowing hard and taking a deep intake of air, his eyes staring down at the napkin folded on the table in front of him. “I am kinda; I guess it would be described as love. Yeah, love. I'm a little in love with you and have been for what feels like forever, but when we first met you were with Ryder, he was the sun to your moon, and because of that even after his death you were in no place to start over with someone new so I kept my feelings to myself but when you said yes to the coffee date and then this I just couldn’t keep them to myself anymore. And don’t worry I don’t expect you to feel the same way right now especially because of all the stuff you have been going through but I hope that at some point maybe you’ll share these feelings with me. I am really sorry to just spring this all on you but I didn’t want to have to hide anymore.” He says, his eyes slowly lifting from the napkin and staring at me with a look of vulnerability and hope. I take a quick sip of my water suddenly realizing just how dry my mouth has become in the past few moments. Did he really just say that? That he was in love with me? He thinks that I am over Ryder? Oh if he only knew. I swallow the growing lump in my throat with another sip of water, oh where is that bloody whiskey when I need it? I can feel his eyes on me as he waits for a response to his confession but I can’t seem to find the right words, I try a few times opening my mouth and when nothing comes out closing it again. Finally I seem to find the words I needed, I take a deep breath and open my mouth the words coming out as little more than a whisper “I'm sorry, I wish I could feel the same way especially since I've grown to have feelings for you in the past few weeks but if I'm to be honest I don't think I will ever be able to feel about someone in that way again. Me and Ryder were soulmates, as you said he is the sun to my moon. Because of that I think a part of me will always be attached to him in some way that would be unfair to anyone I would attempt to date.” I stop and look up as the waiter returned with our drinks, oh thank god i couldn’t have gone much longer without any alcohol in my system. I pick up the glass taking a swallow in an attempt to ignore the growing silence around us feeling the burn of it as it slides smoothly down my throat. I stare down at the glass in my hand swirling the liquid around in the glass waiting for Derek to speak. I am about to say something when I hear is voice “It's always gonna be Ryder. Well there goes my plan I was just kind of hoping that you’d know… fall in love with me, it would have made what's about to happen a whole lot less painful.” and with that I feel his fist connect with my jaw and the room goes black.


	11. A Good Date Ends In Dinner, A Great Date Ends In Bruises

**August 26th 2016**

I jolt awake immediately regretting the rushed movement as my jaw begins to ache intensely. “Oh there's are perfect little sleeping beauty, welcome back to the world of the living. Did you have a nice nap?” Derek's voice speaks harshly, his lips against my ear. I groan in response, taking in my surroundings. I look down at myself seeing that both my arms and legs have been bound to the chair. While I was out I seem to have been moved away from any form of exit from the building. Once I have taken in everything I set my gaze into a hard glare letting it find its way to Derek’s. He smiles down at me in a pathetic attempt to seem kind. He leans in closer to my face, his hands resting on my forearms. “Now that you are awake I would like you to answer some questions for me, Bella” I try to force down the sickening laugh that's fighting its way out of my throat but soon give up hope letting the sound irrupt into the quietness of the room. He leans back as i let the music overcome me, laughing in hysterics now. “You want to ask me questions and think that you will get answers out of me after punching me and then tying me to a chair? How much of a moron are you?” I say through gritted teeth as my laughing comes to a stop, my face coming to rest in a bland expression my eyes only showing rage towards the man who stand before me. He grins leaning back against the table closest to us “I didn’t think you’d give me what I want willingly. I am however sorry for coloring that very beautiful pale skin of yours, and if you'd like to keep it to just the one discoloration then answer me this. Where is Ryder? I know he would never be able to leave you alone, you my love are his weakness and I plan to explore that to its fullest that I can. Anyway enough with the chit chat though. If you would be so kind and tell me where our favorite green eyed, brunette piece of ass is located, we can get this all over with in a quite painless way.” He his lips pulling themselves into a shark-like grin. I pull my bottom lip in between my teeth making a thinking face before leaning back in the chair my glare resting continuously on his face. “Go to hell!” I say letting my eyes wonder taking in the other bodies that were stationed around the room, seven, once I have taken in all the other presences in the room, I guide my eyes back to Derek’s sapphire orbs as he begins to speak “I’m sorry Doll. No can do, I can’t go to hell. Satan still has a restraining order against me. Now I will ask you politely one more time, Where is he?” I stay silent and wait as he slowly leans closer to me. “Where is he?” He asks through gritted teeth once again his nose almost brushing up against mine. I take my chance and lean back my head smashing into his causing him to fall backward, using the table to support himself. I let my lips curve upwards into a venomous smirk watching blood trickle down his forehead as he regains his balance, standing back up to his full height. “You shouldn't have done that.” He says the word falling from his lips like a bullet shot from a gun aimed at my heart, he quickly closes the space between us and punching me in the ribs causing the chair to fall onto its side. I scream out with the cracking sound of my ribs, biting my lips to try to contain the pain ripping through my body. Two of the other men soon clear the room, grabbing the chair and putting it back in its usual upright position. “I don’t want to hurt you but I will if you don't tell me where the hell Ryder is hiding.” Derek growls taking out a knife in his from his belt and twirling it around in his hand waiting for an answer from me; I open my mouth surprised by the steadiness of my voice when I speak “You wanna know where Ryder is? Ryder is in Glades Memorial Cemetery, plot number 46 right next to his Ma.” Derek looks at me his glare as hard as a stone, he stops twirling the knife and in one uninterrupted motion jams the blade into my thigh. He covers my mouth as a scream erupts from my throat, my eyes staring down at the blade in shock and horror as I feel my face turn a very ashy shade of gray. As my screaming begins to die down, we all look from one another as we hear sirens echo throughout the street at they come closer. I took Derek's distraction as my chance and sunk my teeth into the skin on the palm of his hand. He lets out a deep growl signaling for his men to stay back with his other hand setting his hand gaze on me. “Get to the truck and be ready to go. I'll be there in just a moment once I teach this piece of garbage a lesson he won't soon forget.” He says to the people around us our eyes never leaving one another. He waits until we are alone in the grand room before speaking once again more “I want to make you a promise Mr. Thompson. When I find Ryder and I will find him no matter how well far he runs and where he hides I will find him and when I do I will torture him and brainwash him until he forgets all about his love for you and then I will send him back to you and let the war of kill or be killed commence. Now sadly I must leave you seeing as our evening as come to an end but don't you worry your sweet little head about it, we'll be seeing each other again soon.” I out the window as the police cars pull up outside the building,  when I look back to Derek, I am met with his fist connecting with my face causing the chair to fall to the floor once more. I let out a groan watching his shoes walk off out of my eyesight only seconds before the cops burst into the front entrance of the restaurant. My eyes flutter shut as voices surround me in a blur. 

**August 27th, 2016**

I squeeze my eyes tightly the light blinding me even through my eyelids. I let a soft groan past my lips as I slowly open my eyes taking in my surroundings; plain white walls, floor, and ceiling, along with many machines that all have tubes or wires that in one way or another connect to my arm. I continue to take in my surroundings my gaze settling on the other presence in the room; her brown hair is splayed out around her while her head lay resting on the hospital bed next to my arm. Both her hands gripping mine in a death grip causing the circulation in my hand to plummet as her grip grows tighter in her troubled sleep. I attempt to pull my hand from her hand, moving one finger at a time trying not to wake her up while I free my hand from her grasp. Though as soon as I begin working on releasing the second hand, she starts to move still asleep at the moment. I freeze in my movements as her eyes slowly pry themselves open and stare into mine. Blinking the sleep from her eyes, she begins to move into a sitting position taking in a big yawn before speaking seeming almost vulnerable when she does “You have a pretty severe concussion, three broken ribs, multiple cuts, and bruises. You were very lucky the knife in your leg was not one of his favorites, it staying in was probably what kept you alive if not of just sheer willpower.” I nod some starting off slightly to the window behind her. “Why are you here?” I ask, looking anywhere but at her feeling the guilt from the last time I saw her down in my bones. I feel her squeeze my hand between both of hers bring my eyes back to hers “I bugged your phone before the fight and just had the frequency playing while I was cooking dinner when I heard Derek say he loved you. When you rejected him I was proud of you, but he turned on you, so I immediately called the cops and got in the car, I'm so sorry it took me so long to get there. I should have been there sooner.” I look away from her emerald orbs that only seem to be able to remind me of Ryder right now, staring down at our intertwined hands a moment before speaking quietly “That's not what I mean, why are YOU here HOLDING my hand? I said awful and horrible things to you; you should hate me for everything that happened that night there is nothing that should make you want to be in the same room as me.” She looks away from my face and down to our hands as well, sighing softly “I love you, Finley, I will never abandon you and please never think that. You are my family and my friends, never think that because we had a fight no matter how big it was that I would leave you.” When we both look up at each other, we are met with tear filled eyes and small but happy smiles. We stay like this for what seems like forever hands intertwined, smiles, tears, and the safety of silence.


	12. Why Do You Always Have To Be Hella Cryptic

**August 27th, 2016**

I flip the page of my worn out copy of  _ The Complete Collections Of Edgar Allan Poe,  _ my ears perking up when the door to my hospital room opens and then closes again yet I can’t seem to tear my eyes away from the yellowed pages. “I’m sorry if this seems rude,” I said my eyes flicking up the other presence in the room only to resume rooming their way around the page quickly. “But didn’t you just come in here? I am sorry if I accidently bumped up against the button again. If you need you can just deactivate it, If I truly need you I’ll just start screaming.” the other being stays silents staying against the door, I can feel their eyes scanning me over. I close my book placing it on the bed with an almost inaudible sad sigh finally letting my eyes take in the other figure in the room; years of muscles showing through the cheap hospital nurse outfit, fragments of tattoos that I could trace with my eyes closed, thick brown hair falling in the way of the most magnificent emerald green eyes. I take in a hollow breath, letting the words fall out of my mouth without my permission “Are you a dream or reality?” He takes the mask off of his face shoving it in his pocket, his eyes shining as he smiles at me. “ I’m whatever you want, Babydoll.” I can feel tears streaming down my face while my smile grows with every second he stands before me. He takes a few steps into the room taking a seat on the side of the bed, his eyes never leaving mine. I reach a shaky handout, brushing it against his scruff covered cheek. “What are you doing here? It's not safe.” His eyes flutter closed his smiles seeming to falter a bit, and he leans his face into my touch. “It'll be okay. I'm sorry I caused all of this, I never wanted you in danger, and that was the whole point, but still, you when and got yourself into trouble as always. You couldn't just do me a favor for once and run away from the fight could yah?” I chuckle softly regretting even the slight laugh my hand immediately wrapping around to my ribs in the hopes that it will help, even though I know it's useless. I watch as worry and guilt phase his eyes and quickly give me a huge grin “You know me, always a huge pain in the ass with how I can never walk away from a fight. This guy I dated a long, long time ago, you wouldn't know him, once told me he loved how selfless I was and specifically how I would never back away from a fight.” He shows a cheeky grin in response chuckling a little “Well that guy was an idiot. I think you should be grounded or something, because of all this trouble you're getting your ass into as of late.” He says shifting some, so he is sitting next to me in the bed, wrapping an arm around my shoulders pulling me into his strong embrace. I rest my head on in the crook of his neck “You should know better than most bad choices make the greatest stories.”  I can feel his heart quicken as a begins to speak, quiet but steady “Do you remember that first time I ever got you to do anything bad? We broke into the arid field back in high school, sophomore year?” He takes my hand in his intertwining them and smiling, a hint of pink dusting along his cheeks “We spent all night out there talking, kissing, watching the planes fly by. Just being free.” I nod remembering the night like an old black and white movie playing out before us; I blink a few times wishing the past away “When will we be together again? Like that, free and happy?” I ask my voice coming out as a strangled whisper as I let a silence set over us for a moment, soon enough though Ryder breaks the silence “Don't worry Shortstack we will meet again in the place where love was born.” He smiles brightly down at me before turning his attention back to our hands; I look at him confused by his little riddle but willing to accept the answer if he is here with me now. I slowly nod letting myself just stare at him, taking in every inch that I can never want to be away from him again but knowing that I don't have a choice. He raises an eyebrow after catching me staring at him; I shrug shamelessly continuing. He chuckles softly and reaches an arm across me grabbing the book from my side and placing it into my free hand. “They say that when you lose a loved on the first thing you forget is their voice; I never forgot yours it was always with me pushing me to stay alive to make it through. But what I did forget was the soft tones you would use when you were reading, how smooth your voice would flow through the room painting the story out like one of your photography.” I smile and opening the book to the page I had been about to read earlier; I look over at him for a moment, clearing my throat before I began reading one of my many favorite works of Poe’s  _ “It was many and many a year ago, In a kingdom by the sea, That a maiden there lived whom you may know by the name of Annabel Lee; And this maiden she lived with no other thought Than to love and be loved by me. I was a child, and she was a child, In this kingdom by the sea; But we loved with a love that was more than love- I and my Annabel Lee; With a love that the winged scraphs of heaven Coveted her and me. And this was the reason that, long ago, In this kingdom by the sea, A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling My beautiful Annabel Lee; So that her highborn kinsman came and bore her away from me, To shut her up in a sepulcher In this kingdom by the sea.”  _ I feel Ryder rest his head down on my shoulder when I look over I see that his eyes have fluttered shut and that his face is now more relaxed and innocent looking as if he has never done anything bad or had anything done bad to him. I place the book down for a moment, running my fingers through his thick mess of hair, longer than it's ever been in our shared lives, he stirred under my touch nuzzling his face more into my neck taking a deep inhale before opening his eyes slightly a soft smile spreading across his lips. “Please keep reading.” He whispers his thick Brooklyn accent slurring the words into a brilliant mosaic, his lips grazing my neck as he speaks the small touch sending shivers down my spine. A soft gasp like sound leaves my lips as his lips leave a trail along my neck as I pick up the book once more trying to force the temptation down as I read to him once more my voice breaking a few times throughout it as Ryder continues his little game “ _ The angels, not half so happy in heaven, Went envying her and me- Yes!- that was the reason (as all men know, In this kingdom by the sea) That the wind came out of the cloud by night, Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee. But our love it was stronger by far that the love Of those who were older than we- Of many far wiser than we- And neither the angels in heaven above Nor the demons down under the sea, Can ever dissever my soul from the soul Of the beautiful Annabel Lee. For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams Of the beautiful Annabel Lee; And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes Of the beautiful Annabel Lee; And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side Of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride, In the sepulchre there by the sea, In her tomb by the sounding sea.”  _  As I read his kissing slowly begins to stop until he is still once more, snuggled into my body. When I have finished the poem, I look over at him as soft snores escaped his parted lips. I smile pressing a kiss his temple waiting to see if he will stir under my touch when he doesn’t I close the book setting it aside and snuggling myself closer to Ryder listening to the sound of his steady breathing as my eyes softly close my brain drifting off into the darkness of sleep.

I let out a big yawn, reaching out for Ryder but not being able to find him. My eyes snap open taking in the room trying to find any signs of him, I’m surprised when I find a different brunnette standing by the window. I let out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding as I try to figure out if what happened earlier was all a big dream or if he was really there, she seems to sense I’m awake and turns around plastering a smile on her face when she sees I’m looking at her. “Hey Sleeping Beauty, was beginning to wonder if you were still alive.” she says coming to sit in the chair next to the bed. I chuckle as little as I can handle “I can assure you I’m not dead, though I think I may be losing my mind.” She raises an eyebrow at me in a questioning manner, staying silent as I speak up “Do you ever have that feeling when you can't tell if something’s  a memory or if it's something you dreamed? Cause I- um I saw Ryder here today, I don’t know if it was my imagination or the concussion or maybe it was real. I don’t know what to think all that I can think is that he might have been here and I let him get away, I had him in my arms and now he is gone again. Nat I don’t know which one I’m hoping it would be; If he was really here then I let him go again, but if it was the pain or my imagination I don’t know if  I can trust my own mind anymore. Either way it's like I’m losing him all over again even though I know he is out there, even though I know he is alive, that he is okay. It doesn’t change that anytime I see him or see someone that looks like him I will always feel like I have lost him, I need him back.” She stares down at her hands, a single tear running down her cheek. Slowly she raises her head to look up at me wiping away her tear, reaching out and taking my hand in hers. “ I don’t know what you saw today, I don’t know if what you saw was an illusion or if it was real. What I do know is that you should follow your heart and dreams, we will find him and finish all of this so that you two can go back to being a Disney perfect couple.” I smile, bringing her hand to my lips leaving a small kiss “Thank you for always being here for me, I don’t say it enough but I’m actually extremely thankful for the day we met even though you tried to kill Ryder. More than once.” She giggles rolling her eyes, caressing my cheek with her free hand. “He started it,” she says squeezing my hand “Now I am starving and you are now discharged into my care so let's hit the road and get us some chimichangas!”I roll my eyes at her need for chimichangas, getting out of the bed, throwing what little things she had brought me back into my duffle-bag seeing a small blue piece of paper stuck inside my bag. I pick it up looking at the mess of numbers scrawled out on the paper in his handwriting, I smile bigger pocketing the paper and walking out of the dreary white room. 

I watch as Natalia swallows the last few bites of her seventh chimichanga, giving me a trumpet smile.I grin back at her wildly taking a sip of my soda, glad that Nat was here with me. As I place my drink back on the table my head snaps towards the other side of the room where Nat’s phone had begun ringing, she notices my reaction placing a calming hand on my shoulder before standing to check her phone. She frowns and answers the call, raising her index finger to signal that she'd be right back before she walks out of the room and down the hall. I walk over to the window opening it and stepping out into the evening air taking out the blue piece of paper. I stare at the numbers in the bright lights glistening off of the buildings around me trying to figure out what the numbers could possibly mean, they seem to be so random  _ 48.29.84.2.45.85.  _ I sigh at the sound of my phone ringing a notification, hastily putting the paper back in my pocket and looking at my phone reading out the message that is lite up on the screen. “Did you ever hear that your pupils dilate every time your look at someone you love? That's one of the ways I can tell you still love me. Sorry about all those bruises upon your beautiful body, why don't we meet? Let me make it up to you Darlin’. -D” my head quickly scans around trying to find where he could see me from when I spot a small camera attached to the wall next to me. I glare into before plastering a wicked grin to my lips, looking directly into the camera. “You know I did hear that but I also heard they do the same thing when you look at someone you hate, and if you can't tell that means you can take your fake ass apology and shove it where the sun don't shine cause if I ever see you or hear from you again I promise you only one of us we be left standing.” I say before slamming my fist into the camera, I smile as broken pieces of the technology fall to the ground around my feet. I look back out at the city, my city giving a silent promise to Ryder that if it comes to it I will do everything I have to so that I am the one left standing. 

**Derek’s POV**

I slam the black tech brick against my desk watching as the camera goes off. I stare out at the fire escape watching as Fin seems to takes in the city infront of him, a leggy brunette joining him a few minutes later causing a smile to spread across his face. I roll my eyes quickly dismissing the foreign feeling in my gut as a knock rings through the room “Enter” I say collecting myself before I turn around just as Patrick walks through the the door followed but a woman wearing a tight black dress and matching heels, I button the jacket of my suit motioning for her to sit. “What can I help you with?” I ask lowering myself into the chair across from her, she greets my question with a devilish smile pulling out what looks to be a uniform for a nurse from one of the nearby hospitals, setting it on the desk between us. “I think it would be better to ask what I can do for you.”


	13. Sanity Is For The Crazies

**August 27th 2016**

As I stand out on the fire escape looking out at the night I hear Natalia walk outside to join me, as she rests her arms on the railing I smile over at her handing her the blue piece of paper. “I found this in my duffle bag before we left the hospital. It's Ryder's handwriting.” She takes the paper looking at the mess of numbers before turning back towards me. “Any idea what they mean?” I shake my head looking up at the night sky “No idea, but we are going to find out, and when we do we will be at least one step closer to finding Ryder and kicking his ass for all the trouble he's put us through.” I say grinning back down at her, she nods aggressively before pulling me into a hug.   
**August 28th 2016**

I stare down at the mess of papers in front of me quietly mumbling the information as I stare down at the paper looking at my own hand writing, I read it out loud quietly " Ryder's locker in middle school 20, mine was 25. If I add those two together we get 45 Which would go with the fifth number from the list." I start on another paper. "Mums address 4876 RainBrook Orchard Drive." I whisper in a hushed. Scribbling it on to the paper in front of me, circling the number that coincides with the note from last night.  "What are you doing Fin? You're supposed to be resting not torturing  and putting all this on yourself." I hear coming from behind me causing me to jump. I feel her place a hand on my shoulder feeling it tensing up under her touch before slowly relaxing. "How long have you been up?" She asks, a silence settling over us for a moment "I never went to sleep." I confess in a weak and fragile tone never looking up from the paper I'm scribbling on. She moves her hand down my arm stopping me from writing anymore. "I told you you're not in this alone. Why do you continue to try and do this on your own?" She says and for the first time since she's been her I look up at her, She squeezes my  hand lightly taking in my overly exhausted features. I open my mouth closing it, fighting a war against myself on what to say. When I finally find the words they come out weaker than before. "I just couldn't sleep, the numbers were running across my eyelids every time I closed my eyes. I didn't think that it would be this hard and so I got up and started all of this," I say gesturing wildly at the table overflowing with papers. "I thought I would be out here for an hour or two but next thing I knew the sun had risen and light was pouring it's way into the room. I have to find him." When i finishes she nods letting go of my hand and walking to the kitchen. She soon returns with two coffee mugs in hand, setting one down in front of me "Okay so explain this all to me, let's see what WE can dig up." I give her a weak smile before pointing to each paper one by one and explaining what it's tie could be to the numbers.

“This one,” I say grabbing the last one handing it to Natalia is a little hard to understand but I'm going to try.” She raises her hand cutting my sentence to a halt before she begins speaking,explaining it effortlessly. “The number 2 is your connection in this one, from what I can tell you took the according number for every letter of the alphabet and then check which ones the two of your names made up. From there you added up all the ones in his first name, then added up the ones in your first name before you then subtracted the lower one; yours. From his, thus leaving you with a remainder of two.” I gulp swallowing the forming lump in my throat nodding swiftly at her explanation not wanting to let her see how broken all of these have made me, not wanting to let go of the little sanity I had left.  We stay silent for a few moments just staring at the mess spread out in front of us. Slowly she reaches her hand out taking mine in hers speaking quietly, her eyes still on the papers. “Fin this is crazy, we can't find even one clue that has to do with all of the numbers. It's like he wrote it in a foreign language and chose the only one I don't know.” I chuckle softly at her attempt to make a small joke before the insanity stirring in my brain takes hold of the idea, what about foreign languages. I quickly stand, startling at the sound of the chair hitting the floor having fallen from my sudden movements. I begin looking through all the notes, throwing papers all around when they are not the ones I'm looking for. Once I have gone through all of the papers I realize that I never considered foreign things. Quickly I begin scrawling out what places we always wanted to visit, all of the languages we had wanted to learn both now and when we were kids. As the memory flashes into my mind I become rigid letting myself be dragged into the past.

**February 27th 1998**

_ I turn my head towards Ryder as we lay on the floor, grabbing the blankets and quickly give them a harsh yank causing them to fly off of his body balling up around me. He glares at me giving, as a mysterious grin crossing his lips. I brace myself for his attack right as he rolls over laying on top of me, I laugh as he shifts making himself more top of comfortable on top of me. “Okay okay i get it, i can't be a blanket hog. Get off of me yah loaf.” i say smiling  as he rolls back off of me and onto his side facing me. I throw some of the blankets onto his body before turning on my side as well looking at him. “Wanna play a game?” he asks raising an eyebrow the mysterious grin returning to his lips, I scrunch my eyebrows together as I look at him “What kind of game?” I ask. He shifts some, pulling the blankets up closer to his chin before answering “We could play questions?” I stay still for a moment just admiring the other person in front of me trying to take advantage of the few seconds of staring i am granted without letting him know of my true feelings. When he turns back to face me having noticed my long silence I quickly nod at his suggestion waiting for him to ask me the first question. He gazes at me before asking me a question, since we knew so much about each other he chose to just dive into the world of wishes and dreams. “If you could pick anywhere to go with someone you loved where would it be?” I bring my lower lip in between my teeth chewing on it lightly as I try to think of my answer. “I would love to go to ireland or the UK, the countryside. Somewhere calm, happy, and homey, full of love.” He smiles at my answer seeming satisfied with what I have said, I turn and lay on my back looking up at the ceiling before open my mouth my voice quietly disrupting the calm silence that had settled over us “What about you Ry?” He hums quietly, standing and walking to the window watching as the moon slowly comes out from behind a mass of clouds, the light creating dramatic shadows on his features. “Someday I want to take the love of my life to Paris, we would spend most of our time at little cafes. We would talk about simple stupid things and be hopelessly happy like the couples in all of the movies.” I smile at how amazing and sweet his dream sounds, cocooning myself farther into the blankets as I watch the shadows move across his face. After a few moments of silence he turns back towards me with a smile noticing that the section of blankets he had been using was not helping to cocoon me he rolls his eyes still grinning brightly “Okay move over blanket hog i'm cold!” he says coming back over to our makeshift bed on the floor and curling up next to me using my body heat for warmth more than the blankets seeing as I had hardly given him any back once he returned. _

**End of memory**

With a start I animate back to life with a huge grin reaching from my lips all the way to my eyes. “Say that again!” I say laughing slightly as I run over to Natalia picking her up by the waist and spinning her around before placing her feet back on the ground, she laughs as she regains her balance. She raises her eyebrows in a question at my sudden excitement, seeming to be worried that if she makes any noise she will scare off my newfound excitement. However when she notices that my expression shows no signs of changing she lets a deep breath pass her lips before saying “I said that this was crazy and that we can’t seem to find a single clus that has to do with even half the numbers.” I shake my head frantically “No Natty, the other part.” she seems confused even more so now but repeats what she had said before the memory had hit me “It's like he wrote it in a foreign language, and chose the only one I don’t know?” I pick her up again spinning her around a few times before setting her down on the couch as to make sure she didn’t fall. “Yes, yes, yes! It may not have been written in a foreign language but it had one in mind!” She stares at me with worry in her eyes, squinting her eyes as if she could read my mind to see what had caused this on set of energy. Quietly she asks “And what is this foreign language that caused the Jackass to write some shitty message in numbers? You sure you didn’t lose your marbles while you were staring at that wall?” I roll my eyes pacing in front of the couch trying to choose the words to describe what I had realized, I suck in a breath and stop my pacing stand in front of Natalia. “When we were kids we would spend long nights talking about anything and everything. Once he asked where I would take someone I loved if I could go anywhere. My answer was more long term settled down and homey, not completely an actual place just an idea. His however was specific, it was Paris. He always loved Paris,” I take in a shaky breath realizing that my voice had broken a few times, Nat reaches out quickly taking my hand in hers and squeezing it tightly urging me to continue when I was ready. “ It was the first language he learned, so excited to someday be able to go to the place of his dreams and use the language he loved so much. We however never had a mission out there, but we had plans to fly out there for the holidays. It has something to do with Paris, it has to!”


	14. Whatcha Gonna Do When I Come For You

**Derek's POV**

I look quizzically at the bag of clothes in front of me and then back up to woman, she returns my look with another devilish grin reaching her hand up to unclasp her hair from the bun it was it, her red-gold curls hanging loose around her shoulders as she leans back in her chair. “What is it that you can do for me, Miss?” I say realizing for the first time that I don't even know this woman’s name. She perks up at the sound of my voice giggling a little when I’m at a loss for a name “Aerona Katerina Brixton, and I believe that I have a little information that could be helpful in your search for Mr. Evans.” I look at her trying to wage if she is telling the truth or not, she watches me seeming to be amused by my lack of trust in her, she twirls a long lock of ruby red hair around her finger waiting to see what I will do or say next. I lean back in my chair running a hand through my hair looking for the bag on the desk and  motioning for Aerona to continue.” I say my voice coming out hard and stern, almost a growl. She grins at me more “Oh now-now there is no need to be so grumpy my love. It's good news I promise, you’ll love me after you know what I have to offer you.” I roll my eyes at her attempt to flirt trying to keep the smirk that playing on my lips from showing. “These,” she says pushing the bag of clothes closer to me “are Mr. Evans clothes, from when he broke into his dear beloved boyfriend’s room today at St. Allen Memorial Hospital. There little friend Natalia Belova-Petrov, probably most well known by the name; Kiss Of Death. She went around paying all of us off to stay away from the room, since I didn’t know her at the time I didn’t think to much of it and did at I was told. That was until I saw a familiar brunette with emerald green eyes sneak into the room I would know that man anywhere, as soon as I saw him I began my research into his ‘death’ and that lead me to you, handsome.” I hum under my breath taking my time to respond to her. “You seem to have some built up anger towards Ryder, what's the story behind that?” For the first time since she stepped into the room her smile falters, I watch as her gaze hits the floor staying there for a moment sorting out what she wanted to tell me soon enough though she recovers herself giving me another one of her now famous grins the smile not reaching her eyes as they look just past me and out the window towards the fire escape I had been watching earlier. I stand, moving to the window before she begins to speak “He tried to kill me once, got a nice scar on my side to prove.” her hand comes to rest on her waist presumably where the scar is. I give a slow nod quietly looking out the window at the fire escape for a moment before turning back to Aerona, letting out a deep sigh and looking down at the ruby haired woman looking calmly back at me “Can we drop the act cause we both know that's not why you're after him. The shitty little he tried to kill me act? He only ever hurt people on the job and from what I can see your in no way trained to kill which means he would have no reason to go after you. Now if you wouldn’t mind telling me the real reason you want Ryder Evans dead, I’d love to hear it.” I say, leaning forward on the desk glaring into her electric green eyes. Her eyes go foggy as she looks at me longer seeming to have been dragged into her past, trying to fight off the demons she has plaguing her.

**September 8th, 2009**

**Aerona’s POV**

_ I look over at the muscular brunette who has just seated himself one seat down from me in the second row of Psych 101. I look out of the corner of my eye trying not to draw his attention to me, watching as the god-like man quietly takes out a pad of paper, pen, and his laptop placing them on the fold out desk attached to his chair. I do the same realizing that I had been so mesmerized by his looks that I had totally forgotten to take out my supplies. As the class begins I occasionally find my eyes darting to the man next to me often catching his gaze as I look away I let my brain take him in my hand absently sketching out his figure; larger arms almost too large to be contained within his white almost see through tee shirt, a small outline of a tattoo inked along his abs, sparkling emerald green eyes going absolutely perfect with his dark chocolate brown hair beginning to surpass the length his haircut had intended, the way he keeps the tip of his pen slightly in his mouth as he listens to the lecture in front of us. As the class comes to an end I look down at the paper I was supposed to be taking notes on finding a unmistakeable sketch of the man next to me, as I am about to shove it into my bag and make a beeline for the door in the hopes of him not noticing I was totally drooling over him all class I look up seeing him now standing in my way of an exit and looking down at the paper still resting on my desk. My eyes dart between the two before I finally look him in the eye, stuttering slightly as I speak “I didn’t know I was doing it, sometimes the art just has a way of controlling me. I’m sorry if it  totally creeps you out if you want you can have it.” The words come out rushed which earns me a soft smile from the other person “I don’t think it's creepy, at least not really. I was just gonna ask you if you wanted to be study partners, like the professor suggested but then the drawing caught my eye. My names Ryder by the way.” He extends his hand towards me; rushingly I stand shaking his hand “My name's Aerona but most just call me Aero, and I would love to be your study partner.” His smile widens at this, and soon he is handing me a piece of paper with his phone number on it, taking it from him and looking it over. As the bell rings my eyes go wide realizing we are the only people in here still and that I have 2 minutes to make it across campus to my next class, quickly I stuff the paper in my bag along with the rest of my supplies before bidding goodbye to Ryder mumbling something about getting coffee and doing some studying together  later in the week . _

**January 19th, 2010**

**Aerona’s POV**

_ I check my fiery curls one last time in the mirror before heading for the door where Ryder is incisively knocking. Rolling my eyes I yank the door, sidestepping the now open door as Ryder comes stumbling into my apartment, laying flat faced on the ground. I giggle covering my mouth with my hand as he turns around now laying on his back and looking up at me trying to play off that he just fell on his face “Stuck the landing!” He says grinning up at me, putting his arms behind his head in a relaxing position. I reach my hand out to help him up laughing more as he slips a little while attempting to get up. When he is upright, he puts his arm around my shoulder leading us to the couch, as we sit we both grab a takeout box from the table in front of us, chowing down on the food. Halfway through my second bite, I reach out pausing the show I had been watching before Ryder began knocking like crazy on my door. “What is this?” He asks, his eyes mesmerized by the vigilante swinging in to save the day. I watch his profile finding it adorable how drawn into the show he is in a matter of seconds, stuffing his face with lo mein as he watches the story fold in front of him. At one commercial he looks over at me placing his takeout on the table and giving me a sheepish grin “You know,” he begins his eyes continually darting back to the tv to make sure he doesn’t miss anything as he continues to speak “when I was a kid I always wanted to be like him, a vigilante. Some nameless face in a sea of people helping out. I didn’t want to be known for what I did; I wanted to be like a ghost. Who helped people, not scared them.” He sighs happily before his eyes widen a little bit “I never told that to anyone other than Finley.” I giggle a little at his shocked expression and shake my head “Don’t worry vigilante, your secret is safe with me.” I say winking at him, I begin to lean in closer to him my lips darting from his eyes to his lips almost begging for permission, but as the familiar sound of fighting comes back, he turns back to the television, leaving me wanting. _

**March 8th 2010**

**Aerona’s POV**

_ I look up from my laptop scribbling more notes on the page to my right before reaching out grabbing my coffee and taking a long sip of it, letting my eyes roam over the man sitting in front of me absent-mindedly doodling on a napkin as he watches some video on his laptop. I feel my cheeks brighten to a light pink color as his eyes flick up to me finding that I am already looking at him, he pulls out his earbuds giving me a soft smile “What? Like what you see?” he says as I roll my eyes at his slight flirting turning back to my paper waiting out my blush. When i look back up i find that his emerald eyes still watching me, roaming over my face. I give him a mysterious smirk repeating him “What? Like what you see?” He grins taking a sip of his drink, eyes gleaming with amusement before he responds “Yeah something like that.” I bring my lower lip in between my teeth looking up at him through my eyelashes taking in his; sharp bone structure, piercing eyes, chocolaty brown hair that he keeps slightly shaggy, light pink lips. He glances at me for a few more moments before he sticks his headphones back in giving me a cheeky smile before submerging himself back into his classwork, I do the same going back to the laptop only taking a quick sip of my coffee once more. After a few hours I close my laptop with a decisive sigh, leaning back in my chair letting my eyes drift closed. I hear a chuckle coming from in front of me, i slowly peel my eyes open being met with an amused Ryder looking back at me. I yawn resting my arms and head on the table in between us, looking up at him with a sloppy grin playing on my lips. “Hey you wanna come back to my place? We can eat pizza rolls and watch Legends Of Tomorrow.” I say sleepily, he gives me what seems to be an apologetic smile opening his mouth to respond at the same time as a sanding blonde with brilliant blue eyes walks up to our table looking straight at Ryder a smile playing on his lips “Hey Babe, i tried texting you but didn’t get a response. You ready to go? We don’t want to be late for dinner at Claire’s” The blonde says his eyes gazing from Ryder’s eyes to his perfectly shaped lips. Ryder stand and gives the mysterious man a soft kiss on the lips before grabbing his study materials and turning back to me. “I’m sorry Aero, I’m gonna have to take a rain check on that get together. Oh and I’d like you to meet my boyfriend Finley.” I knit my brows together in a confused gesture for a moment before regaining my composure and shaking the man’s-Finley’s out stretched hand. “Yeah a rain check is okay, you best get going. I’ll see you in class tomorrow.” I say with a forced smile placed upon my lips. I watch as they leave the cafe their hands knitted together as I feel my heart crash to the floor, shattering into a million pieces. _

**End**

**Derek’s POV**

I watch as she seems to come back to herself having been beaten significantly by the demons confined behind her eyes. She swallows hard keeping her eyes trained on her heels as she murmurs “We had known each other before he became who he was.” she says gesturing slightly at the files on my desk all labeled with Ryder’s name. I grab the bag of clothes off the desk flipping them over a few times as I take in the contents once again “Fair enough, for now, that is.” I say placing the bag on the table one more, standing from my chair staring down at her while I wait for her to stand so I can lead her out of my office. She stands, her well known mysterious smirk planted on her lips though it seems more forced this time round. I give her a small smile knowing that her demons are still playing with her mind even if she's not showing it before nodding my head slightly, softly placing my hand on the small of her back guiding her out. When we have reached the door, she turns back to me and places kisses on my cheek to ear, surely leaving lipstick stains in the wake of her lips. Once she has reached my ear, she whispers “I hope you make the right choice and I see you again.” I can hear the secretive smile in her voice as she kisses my jaw one last time before turning and walking out of my office. I watch the hall long after she's out of my sights thinking to myself how much working with her was gonna cause trouble.

I frown as I watch rain drops splash onto the window and make their trails towards the ground. The room is filled with an almost eerie silence as I listen to the live broadcast from the bug planted in Finn's apartment. Occasional crazy sounding theories murmur through my office as they have all night, each one sounding more and more looney by the minute. The lull of the voice and rain almost cause me to jump when another voice comes through the line “ _ What are you doing Fin? You’re supposed to be resting not torturing and putting all of this on yourself” _ it’s a female's voice and sounds oddly familiar. After a small window of silence, she says  _ “How long have you been up?” _ another silence before Finley responds in a soft and broken voice “ _ I never went to sleep.” _ As conversation flows between the two in the apartment across the street I take a sip of my coffee; my eyes drift shut involuntarily by the overcoming feeling of exhaustion from staying up all night listening to the chaotic, crazy talk from Fin and attempting to research Miss Brixton. Trying to convince myself that the enemy of my enemy is my friend, even when I am unable to dig up much information on the firey red head.  _ “Don’t worry sweetheart; it will all be over soon.” _ My eyes snap open as the female voice coming through my speakers becomes bone-chillingly familiar. A deep fiery hatred that I haven't felt in a long time begins to build in my chest rising higher and higher as the night my life ended flashes before my eyes.

**December 15th, 2007**

**Derek’s POV**

_ A crash comes from the living room causing me to startle. I rush towards the door but stop when I hear what sounds like the dinning table breaking and crashing into pieces as it hits the ground. Pressing my ear to the door, I hear two people fighting; silently I pry the door open a crack watching as a mysterious woman wraps her legs around my brother’s neck forcing him to the ground. When she releases him from her grasp, he collapses to his hands and knees making sly eye contact with me, shaking his head as he coughs to signal for me to stay where I am. I nod, even though he is no longer looking having been dragged to his feet by the brunette, her grip tight around his throat. She smiles a wicked soulless smile leaning in toward his ear “Don’t worry sweetheart, it will all be over soon. It’s not like anyone will miss you anyway.” She kisses his cheek before pulling away from his face to see what he will do. Next, he swallows hard not letting his fear seep into his features “Do your worst bitch.” He snarls spitting at her. She giggles at his words; it was the sound you might imagine a doll making if they were to laugh. She pulls out a gun from her waistband, dragging it along his throat then pressing it against the left side of his chest. I shut the door as the sound rings out in the small space, tears falling from my eyes. Slowly my brain catches up with the situation and leads me out of the bathroom, to my brother's side. A pool of blood surrounds the upper half of his body like a halo of death, his eyes glazed over as the stare blankly at the ceiling. Silently I pull his head into my lap not caring as blood cover me. Slumping over I let myself go, crying into my brother's shoulder vowing to one day avenge his untimely death. _

**End**

I shake my head as the sound of my sobs echoing against the walls of my skull-rattling my brain. Jumping out of my chair as someone bangs their fist repeatedly against my office door, rushing I walk to the door ripping it open finding Patrick staring back at me looking out of breath and as he takes in my appearance a small look of sympathy flashes upon his features before he recovers himself. He pushed his way into my office and straight to my computer. “What do you think you're doing Patrick? I know you have your own computer and frankly this is very impolite.” I grumble following the copper haired man to my desk, looking over his shoulder as he types away on my computer. “Trust me sir you're going to want to see thing. And before you ask, no it is not another YouTube video of 110 reasons why Wanda Maximoff deserves so much more.” He comments looking over his shoulder with a sloppy grin plastered on his face. I roll my eyes chuckling softly at him “I'm trusting you Patty. If it's another one of your weird superhero video I'm going to punch you.” I hear his hearty laughter as he faces the screen, finding what he is looking forward he steps back slightly giving me room to step forward as he clicks play on the audio segment.  _ “Fin this is crazy, we can't find even one clue that has to do with all of the numbers. It's like he wrote it in a foreign language and chose the only one I don't know.”  _ I feel my eyes widen at the voice, Patrick reaches out pressing stop on the audio. I look over at him seeing a triumphant smile on his face before I scramble to find a folder on my desk, papers fall as I search I can sense Patrick’s anxiety as he witnesses this having never seen anything but calm and connectedness come from me. When i find the folder I shove everything else off the desk before opening the folder and spreading the contents out on the table looking for the information I want. When I find it I grab it shoving the paper into Patrick's hand, shooing him out of my way so i can reach the computer typing as fast as I can to find what I need. Clearing his throat Patrick takes a short step closer to me breaking the silence that had only been filed with the typing of the keyboard “Hey Der, what exactly are you looking for? Maybe I can help yah out?” he says softly placing his hand on my shoulder probably having noticed the frantic air in my movements, I look over my shoulder smiling softly at him before explaining myself  “He spoke many languages but I’m trying to find the first one he learned. I think it could lead to where he is hiding, where he is waiting for Mr. Loverboy to find him.” I motion to the building across the alleyway with nod, I hear a small understanding grunt come from Patrick. “Found it! He learned Italian about a month after he joined F.A.D.E for a mission in Italy where him and Finn had to go undercover for about 3 months. He has to be hiding there, it must have some meaning to the two of them so he is leading a trait for Finley to find him there.” I say, stepping back from the computer looking out the window watching as the rain continues to fall on the street down below  “Fai le valigie Pat, sono stati andare in Italia”


	15. Lets Get Lost In Paris

**August 28th, 2016**

**Finley POV**

Looking up at the screen in front of me, letting out a quiet sigh filled with frustration and longing. I can feel Natalia’s eyes on me, watching silently. Pushing the laptop away from me before laying my head on the table. “What are we gonna do Talia?” I ask turning my head toward her finding a simple smile on her lips. “We’re gonna find him; there are only so many things in Paris that have anything to do with these numbers.” She says motioning towards the papers spread out around her. “I haven’t heard that name in a while; I missed it.” She states quietly as she turns back to her screen, scrolling down whatever web page or document she had been looking at most likely thinking I didn’t hear her. I let out a groan before lifting my head, staring blankly past the screen “We’re gonna find him. How hard can it be?” I mutter under my breath, pulling the laptop back in front of me.

The next time I look over at the clock across the room I see that we have been staring at our screens, the only sounds being our keyboards clicking. I look over at the list of things I have found that have anything to do with even one of the numbers on our list. Hanging my head I get up and head to the kitchen in need of a drink, a need I haven’t felt in at least a month. I look at the bottles in front of me trying to decide if I want to go down that row at the moment, the silence is broken by Nat’s voice from the other room “Will you get me a glass of orange juice while you're in there?” I shake my head trying to empty my head of the thoughts as I grab a glass and fill it with the drink. I plaster a fake smile onto my face as I set the drink in front of her. “What if we are going about this wrong?” I ask her, looking at the notes she has sprawled around her, there are papers on how each number could equal a letter all the way to how each number could correspond with any number of books in the Paris library system. She raises her eyebrows at me taking a sip of her orange juice before speaking “What do you mean?” I pick up a few of the papers, looking them over and comparing them to what I had come up with. “Have you ever thought maybe we are thinking too far out of the box?” She gives me a bright smile seeing some of the traits I showed whenever Ryder and I worked on something together whether it be a case or a dinner party. I was always one to think extremely in the box while Ryder, on the other hand, could never make things simple enough even to see the box. Its one of the reasons we fit so perfectly together; he’d help me come out of my shell, and I would show him that not everything has to go 150mph. “What were you to planning to do on holiday there?” Natalia suddenly asks breaking me away from my thoughts. “I already checked everything off as not having anything to do with this. Most of the things didn’t even have more than one of the numbers, let alone all of them.” I sigh, looking out at the city beyond my small apartment. “Humor me will you?” she presses again, reluctantly I open my mouth giving in to her questioning. “We planned to act like we lived there. Do all the touristy stuff the first day or two and then just settle in from there. We had planned picnics in parks, shows, dinners, oh and Ryder was practically begging to go to this cafe bookstore thing. Damn what the name of it was? Oh yeah, Amoureux Cafe. It was very small and homey, a gem of the locals for sure, I have no idea how Ryder found it or why he wanted to go their so bad. I swear he was more excited about the little shop than anything else about the trip to the place of his dreams.” When I look back over my shoulder, I meet Natalia’s emerald eyes that are rimmed with tears that she was desperately trying to blink away before I noticed. I quickly close the distance between us, pulling her into a tight hug. As soon as she is in my arms, she lets the tears fall burying her face in my chest as I place a kiss on the top of her head. “The fucking asshole had to go and fake his death and ruin the whole plan.” she mutters into my shirt, her fists balling the fabric tightly. I rub her back softly, chuckling at her out burst against Ryder. As she takes a shaky breath, she pulls out of my embrace,  giving me a sad smile as she steps away and sits back down in her chair. Silently she began typing away at her computer, I lean against the back of her chair and look at what she's doing noticing that she's using the things I told her about our plans for the trip and running them against the list of numbers. She quickly makes her way through the tourist stops noticing that some of them had a quite a few of the numbers as they got closer to the tower. That's when an idea hits me “Hey Natty, humor me and look up the coordinates for each place.” She raises an eyebrow towards me but does as I ask going back to the top of her list of places. We check off the Eiffel Tower, The Louvre, The Montmartre, and the La Conciergerie along with a few little shopping centers, markets, and parks. They all come up to dead ends causing a frown to settle on my face. I watch as she types in the last one, Amoureux Cafe. To both of our surprise the computer dings once, indicating that it was a match. Shellshocked we both stare at the screen before looking at each other our frowns slowly lifting into a cautious smiles as we look closer at the computer as I place one finger on the display checking the numbers; 48.8584 N 2.2945 E. I take a few steps back, resting most of my weight on the bar counter behind me trying to process the results. I watch as Natalia walks past me and into the kitchen coming back a few minutes later with two glasses of whiskey, handing me one before taking a sip of her own. We look at each other for a long moment, taking silent sips from our glasses. I finish my glass placing it on the counter behind me before turning back to Nat with a wary look, trying not to get my hopes up “ On dirait que nous allons faire un voyage.” I mutter slowly walking towards the dark and lonely bedroom that waits for me at the end of the hall.


	16. Sorry I Broke Your Nose, It's How I Say I Love You

**August 29th, 2016**

I stare out the window as the ground comes closer, looking as if we may crash right into it. I smile slightly as I look over at Natasha who is asleep with her head on my shoulder. Slowly I run my fingers through her hair, a slight murmur coming from her as she shifts to look up at me through her long lashes, raising her eyebrows at me as to why I woke her. My smile grows at the gesture “We are about to land.” I say, turning to look back to the window the ground looking as if I could almost touch it. My thoughts go back to Ryder as I stare out the window again. We are close to finding him; we are going to be in the same city as him in less than 10 minutes, we can do this. Those three thoughts torment my brain, playing over and over like an overplayed pop song on the radio. Nat lightly nudges me, signaling we have landed and needed to get up. I blink away my thoughts, pushing them away in an attempt to ward off getting my hopes up for finding him. Grabbing my backpack off the floor, I follow Natalia off the plan noticing how stiff, businesslike, and so much like the woman I had met many years ago when I first started the job she had become since we had left Brooklyn. “Hey Talia, wait up. Are you okay?” I ask her quietly pulling her to the side of the walkway. I watch as she fights between telling me or putting up her mask and pretending to be okay, but as I make eye contact with her, she chooses the former. “I haven’t been back since...Dyson. We lived here for a year, but then.You know what happened. And since then I haven't been back.” I look at her sympathetically letting her gather herself again before speaking. “You know you didn’t have to come with me Nat; you don’t have to get any further if you don't want. I can go find him and then bring him here to you so you can kick his ass.” I say smiling softly, trying to lighten the mood. She laughs a little before shaking her head “No no I can do it. I need to be there when we find him; he needs a right kick where the sun doesn't shine, and I am obviously the only one who can give him the rightful one he deserves.” I nod and grab her hand pulling her back into the rush of the airport. Here goes nothing, I think as we walk out into the warm summery Paris air.

 

I take a deep breath looking at the phone over Natalia’s shoulder where she has a map pulled up. She zooms in on a little cafe and smiles back at me. “Are you ready to go find our little bastard?” I roll my eyes at her, smiling as she takes my hand. “Let go find the shit,” I say, letting her lead us down the street. 

We walk down the street in comfortable silence, watching the afternoon crowd rush around us trying to get their coffee fix or sweets fix before returning to work for the remainder of the day. The rush seems to come to a halt as we get closer to the Amouroux Cafe just down the street from us, the walkway filled with a crowd of people all seeming to be watching someone. As we approach Nat leans closer to me, her arm linking in mine. “What do you think that's all about? Maybe someone famous is in there?” I roll my eyes at her once more but decide to humor her “Yeah or there is a dead body ahead.” I respond, receiving a slap to the back of my head. The closer we get I began to hear a guitar strumming out a distantly familiar song. I’ve heard this somewhere, but where; I think to myself as we join the crowd of people, making our way into the swarm. Within seconds I spot a familiar brunette in the middle of the crowd, guitar in hand. Fitted white tee shirt showing off his toned muscles while accenting his skinny black jeans hanging loosely around his waist. As I take in his appearance, I notice how free and happy he looks standing here on a street corner in Paris, carelessly playing guitar to complete strangers. He was just a face in a sea of people, at least that's how all of these people would see him, to me though he was my everything and I finally feel whole again now that he is here in front of me again. Natalia spots him as well, leaning close to my ear “Is that who I think it is?” she asks, My face breaks into a bright smile as I realize I’m not just imagining it. She can see him too; he is really there in front of us, a sea of people the only thing to separate us. As if on queue he looks our way, seeming to spot us, a giant smile breaking out on his lips while a single tear falls down his cheeks. He strums his guitar, a new tune spreading through the air around everyone as he turns his attention to me. “ _I'm a fool falling saying crazy things, but I'm hoping and praying that you'll know what I mean yeah, I wish I had the lines, but if you could read between then you know what you mean to me.”_ Our eyes connect across the crowd, he slowly takes a step closer. The people in front noticed his faraway look and began looking through the crowd for whom his eyes are focused one. The ones that see it started moving out of his way, nudging other and making gestures towards us. “ _But when I say heaven I'll be laying by your side and about forever I mean as long as you'll be mine But when I say perfect I mean every little thing that you do oh and when I say beautiful, wonderful one too good to be true I mean you, I mean you When I say better babe I mean me since I found you when I say nothing that's exactly what I wouldn't do to keep you smiling, oh laughing baby you would too oh you and me looking back too._ ” The crowd has now almost entirely split into two aisles, a path down the middle open. As he takes a step and then another and another my breath catches in my throat, the reality coming closer and closer as he does. The words of the song carrying me away. “ _But when I say heaven I'll be laying by your side and about forever I mean as long as you'll be mine But when I say perfect I mean every little thing that you do oh and when I say beautiful, wonderful one too good to be true I mean you, I mean you You say hello my angel sing you say good night I can't wait to dream about tomorrow every day that follows when you say I miss you, I miss you more but I say lost that was me before I met you but now that I met you Baby Heaven is laying by your side and forever and me as long as you're mine._ ” The world fades away as he stops, standing right in front of me. He can’t really be there my brain tries to tell me, trying to protect itself and my heart incases it's all a dream. But as I take in his slightly too long hair, the way it curls in on itself at the end, his perfect emerald eyes that are watching me with nothing but love, His long and thin fingers strumming the guitar to the song I let myself slowly believe it really is him, he really is here, we actually did this. “ _When I say perfect I mean every little thing that you do oh and when I say beautiful, wonderful one too good to be true I mean you oh when I say beautiful, wonderful one too good to be true I mean you, baby I mean you, I mean you Oh baby you know, you know, you know I'm talking about you Oh I'm talking about you I mean you_.”  I look away from his memorizing green as he sings the last three words, my heart pounding in my chest as the song ends. Slowly I look back up only to meet his eyes once more. Natalia seems to take in the situation in front of her, a small smirk present on her lips. “I’m gonna leave you two to get reconnected; I'll be in the cafe grabbing a coffee.” She says with a wink, walking off to the doors of the cafe her heels clicking loudly against the now quiet street. As people began to disperse Ryder walks over to his guitar case and putting his instrument away. Turning back around he smiles brightly at me, as the moment from the song fades a feel a ball of anger slowly growing. Before I know it I walk up to him and quickly punch him in the nose causing him to fall to the ground. As soon as he hits the ground I hear a shot break through the air, the bullet hitting the wall behind where Ryder was just standing. On instinct I squat down next to him, reaching under his shirt and pulling out the gun he has hidden in his waistband. The blood pounding in my ears doesn’t stop me as I aim towards where the shot came from trying to spot the shooter with little luck. Natalia is out of the cafe in seconds but as I hear another shot fired I growl in her direction “Stay down.” Without ever taking my eyes off the area the shots were coming from. She does as instructed, hiding against the inside of the doorway to the cafe out of sight from the as I scan the area across the street looking for the shooter I spot a familiar caramel skinned, sapphire-eyed man. As soon as I spot him another shot fires, grazing my upper arm, I recoil in pain but let my instincts take over, shooting at him and hitting him in the shoulder. I  watch as the man rushes off down the street, blending into the crowd that has to gather in the street from the shooting.


	17. The Phenomenon Of Second Chances

**August 29th 2016**

When the coast is clear Natalia rushes out of her hiding spot, coming over to the two of us as Ryder slowly sits up from where he had been laying on the sidewalk, his hand clutching his nose. His nose is however quickly forgotten when his eyes land on my arm, widening for a moment before he rushes into action and pulls out a piece of fabric. Tightly he ties the fabric around my arm, the bleeding from his nose finding a new home on his white shirt. “Why is your his nose bleeding?” Natalia asks once we are all sitting on the curb, looking out at the street, trying to wrap our heads around what all just happened. Before Ryder could respond I speak up “Because he’s an idiot.” I say my eyes connecting with his, a small smirk pulling at my lips. “I didn’t know that idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose,” she responds, flicking her long brunette hair off her shoulder a hint of pride sparkling in her eye when she looks at me. I roll my eyes some at her but then look back to Ryder, I move closer to him and wipe some of the blood off of his face, smiling as my thumb grazes across his lip. “I think it's a new phenomenon.” I say absentmindedly before leaning closer to Ryder, our lips melding together as one. We pull away just enough to take in some air, our foreheads rest against one another. The months we have been apart disappearing into the Paris air as I let the reality set in that he is in fact in front of me. Everything will be okay.

Breaking apart I look out at the street with a new fire behind my eyes, one of completeness on of determination and one of just a little bit of revenge. Clearing my throat I look between the two people I love most. “We can’t let him get away with this, if he wants to declare a war on us, on our family then so fucking be it but hell if I am going to let him get away with this. Now I don’t know about you to but I need a fucking drink.” Standing up I look to Natalia who is eying me curiously, her eyebrow raised as a question. “Yes Talia?” I ask my eyes darting from her to the street around us checking to see if anyone is coming. I shove the gun into my waistband when I see that no one is coming, hearing sirens in the distance. “Should we come up with a plan for what we are going to do? I mean we were just attacked by Derek who we haven’t seen or heard from since you went on a date with him and ended up in the hospital.” At this Ryder’s attention is zeroing in on me most likely not having known I had been on a date when I ended up in there. “All I am saying is that I don’t think a drink is going to fix everything.” I shrug at her before looking up and down the street once more my paranoia still in full swing as we stand out in the open. “I’m not saying that it's going to fix everything… I’m just saying that I have been grazed by a bullet, shot a gun, found my dead boyfriend, and landed in the city of love all in the last thirty minutes. I’m pretty confident that has earned me a drink, now you can come with me, or you can go back to the 


	18. I Thought You Died, I Lost My Temper

**August 29th, 2016**

**Derek’s POV**

I let out a frustrated sigh as the door clicks shut, making my way to my desk with a painful piercing pain shooting through my shoulder as I settle into my chair. Closing my eyes, I let my mind drift into the pain, the scene on the street coming back to me. How did I even get shot? I remember that stupid blonde punching my target, the first shot was a miss. The second shot was for the other brunette, she ducked just in time most likely a warning from Fin. The third, however, hit its target, kind of. It didn’t do its job however or even slow him down seeing as that horrid scaredy cat blonde shot me. My eyes snap open as I realize what I need to do. I pull up a chat on my screen, typing a quick message before turning it off once more, within minutes the door clicks open. I look up, my face forming its stone-like features I use with business, as I look at Patrick. “I need you to do something for me,” I state, he nods his eyes seeming to look just past me. “What can I do?” he asks, I stand from my chair and move away from the desk, looking out the window “I need you to look into Miss Natalia Belova-Petrov, last time I checked she had ties to France. See what you can find and if you find any old flames make sure to keep them from reigniting.” I state, when I don’t hear footsteps behind me leaving, I turn around looking at him with a glare. “Now,” I say sternly, with that I am left alone once again, my mind wandering to thoughts of what to do next.

**Ryder’s POV**  
My eyes are glued to Finley as he rushes down the street towards the hotel just round the corner from us. Turning I look at Natalia who has been walking quietly beside me her eyes watching Fin carefully. “Is he okay?” I ask, my hand relaxing on the pinched position on my nose while I talk, the decision regretful as blood comes gushing out again. Natalia looks at me, her eyes scanning my face as if to see if I am being serious. “He’s tired,” she says before looking back at Finley’s silhouette, continuing.  “He’s tired of getting hurt, of being alone, of being let down. He’s tired of the lies, of trying to hold it all in, of getting his hopes up. He’s sick of feeling broken, damaged, worthless, never right or smart enough. He’s tired of being in pain. So no he’s not okay, don’t make it worse.” The tone of her voice making it clear that for now we are done talking, and as I let her words sink in I regret every choice I have made since being away. The hotel is located only a few blocks from the cafe, beautiful European architecture with balconies decorating the sides as it overlooks a small park and farther away, the Eiffel Tower. Under other circumstances, I would have thought about how perfect and like a dream the building was but now all I can think about as I watch Finley storm into the doors is that I am about to walk into something very dangerous.  As we walk into the hotel lobby I watch Finley make a beeline to the left and into the bar, my heart guiding me to follow him, only stopping when Natalia places a hand on my bicep. “I know you want everything to go back to normal, for you two to be so in love that you can’t see anything else and have no problems. But Ry, you need to know that your death killed him, something in him died the day they put the casket in the ground and I’m not sure if even you being here will ever bring that part of him back.” She says, looking over to the doorway Fin disappeared through. “Be careful, he’s better than both of us. Don’t let him become like us, we need him.” I nod, the corners of my mouth pulling up into a sad smile at the honesty in her statement. She gives me a small smile of her own before walking towards the elevator, after pressing the button she turns back to me. “I’m going to go make a plan for what we are going to do next, you go fix our boy.” I roll my eyes at her but cautiously look back over at the doorway to the bar, taking a deep breathe and walk towards the room. My eyes glance around the quiet bar landing on the blonde I was looking for who is sitting quietly at the end of the bar farthest from the doorway. My breath catches in my throat as I make eye contact with him, his blue eyes looking right through my green ones. Blowing the air out of my lungs I walk over to the bar, taking the seat next to him. The bar is littered in front of him with empty glasses, the bartender placing another in front of him before turning to me. “A whiskey and water, thank you.” The bartender nods, walking towards the other side of the bar. I turn my attention back to Finley once the bartender is out of earshot. “Shouldn’t you slow down? You never were one to hold your liquor.” When I look into his eyes I see a cold and icy place, where it looks lightless, he looks over my face slowly. “I got better about it while you were off playing dead.” His voice comes out hard as a diamond, his glare like daggers through me. I nod, thankful when the bartender places my drink in front of me. I pick up the water taking a few careful sips as I think about what to say next, watching Finley as I think. His face is paler and hollowed out, his under eyes the color of a concerning bruise, his usually clear and bright blue eyes dulled and filled with storms. The changes in him are alarming, when I saw him in the hospital I didn’t notice them, the bruises and injuries he endured masking the war within himself he was losing. “I know your Ma taught you not to stare.” Finley huffs out before taking a sip of his newly replenished drink. “Yeah she did, among other things. I’m sorry for staring, I was just noticing things I didn’t last time.” His glare was hard, the room seeming to drop temperature ten degrees at a time just by his eyes. “You don’t get to judge me for what I did while you were gone.” Finley mumbles, taking another drink and looking me over. “I wasn’t, I don’t even know most of what you did or what happened while I was gone.” I say, throwing my hands up in surrender. I watch him as a small smirk pulls at his lips and dark laugh comes from his throat. “I thought you died, I lost my temper. From there it just turned into a tornado size mess.” I can’t help the small smile that makes its way onto my lips. I open my mouth but as I am about to say something he speak again. “It started with that night. I was in shock and disbelief about your death. All I could do was hold your body close to mine and pretend that the breathing I felt from my own body was yours. They kept telling me that I needed to leave and they needed to take your body, but I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think. In the end they were forced to called Natalia, she tried to talk to me at first, convince me of what had happened but I wasn’t having any of it or at least that’s what she told me, I blacked out most of the night. Next thing I remember was her pulling me away, away from my only home.” He swallows heavily , taking another drink before continuing, his eyes looking straight through me. “I stayed with her for a few day, none of which I remember. I couldn’t stay with her forever, I returned to the apartment four days later, the memories circling me as a predator would its prey. Within an hour, they attacked. That’s when the drinking started, getting heavier and heavier as the memories found their way through. You just wouldn’t leave me alone, and when the drinking stopped helping I went out onto the streets. I wasn’t sure what I was looking for at the time, just that I would know it when I saw it, and I did. His name was Eli, I told him I need something to help me, make me not feel, that what I had wasn’t cutting it. He started off with giving me one bottle of pills, told me not to ask what they were, even before that I had decided not to ask. From one bottle it was soon five, which quickly brought us to the night Natalia found me passed out on the kitchen, bottle in one hand with a glass shattered around me. She threatened to commit me that night, among other things in over five different languages only a few of them I knew. After that I let go of the drugs, continuing to drink and even occasionally smoking. The night before your first message I was standing on the balcony, wishing for it all to end. You weren’t there and in that moment that was all the mattered, I had even started to climb the railing. Something stopped me though, something deep down spoke up and told me not to do it.” His eyes were blank, tears streaming down his face, slowly I take his hand in my own, squeezing it tightly. “I didn’t know. I didn’t know any of that. I’m sorry.” Something shifts in his eyes at my words, his hand pulling out of mine. “Of course you didn’t, you weren’t there. You were off traveling, and yes I know it wasn’t all fun and games but you have to admit you were happy to be away from Brooklyn.” I wring my hands together unable to meet his eyes, I open my mouth to tell him he’s wrong but my brain closes it for me, reminding me that he isn’t completely wrong in his accusations. I grab my drink off the bar taking large gulps of water as I process what I want to say next, completing my thought process try speaking again, my eyes staring harshly at the bar. “I may have been happy to be out of Brooklyn, but I couldn’t stand being away from you.” When I look over at him, he is standing behind the chair, his hands gripping the back, his knuckles white. “I’m sorry but I don’t think that’s enough. At least not now, I’m gonna go out for a walk but you should go help Talia with plans. You were always good with that.” He says, his blue eyes never quite meeting mine. I watch he walks out of the bar, never bothering to look back. I quickly down my whiskey and the rest of my water, running my hands through my hair before leaving the bar as well, going in the opposite direction as my heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We hope you all enjoyed the chapter and once again we are really sorry about how long it took to get it to you, with any hope it wont be like that with the coming chapters. As always lots of love xoxo ~ K & B


	19. Dead Angry

**August 29th, 2016**

**Natalia’s POV**

 

I lean back in my chair as I go over the coded message in front of me, it has been a long time since I have had to write one of these but even with time the code is still ingrained in my heart. As if looking at old photographs my mind supplies me with images of my past life; of messages that were never not coded, of red lipstick to stain my kills. I shake away any thoughts of the past before they can take over as I hear the latch on the door unlock. I look up, a shy smile forming on my lips as I look at Ryder, he avoids eye contact in what is a failed attempt to keep his thoughts to himself, as always however his thoughts and feelings about Finley are shown all over his features. My smile fades the longer I look at him, the dread and guilt and sadness slowly becoming contagious. I shake my head for a second time, no I can't let myself feel like this, Finley and Ryder can but one of us has to keep our head I remind myself. “You look like shit.” I say, forcing myself to continue looking at him, his kicked puppy look making me want to both laugh and cry. He cracks a small, almost smile. “It’s not like you look much better, plane hair and dirty clothes.” he mutters slumping down in the chair next to me. I chuckle quietly, sending the message off before closing my laptop and moving it away from me. “What happened?” I ask. I could see a war happening in his mind, as he tried to decide if he wanted to tell me or not. “He accused me of being happier without him,  I told him how wrong he was but he does not believe me. Instead saying it was not enough for him, for now.” He looks at me, his guilt showing in his eyes. “He didn't deserve any of this. He's too good for this shit, for me. I honestly thought that he was better off away from me, better off not knowing and because of that choice he hates me.” I nod at his admission, leaning towards him and taking his hand. “You're right, he is too good and he did and doesn't deserve this shit. Plus how you could think he would ever be okay without you astounds me but I do know without a doubt that he does not hate you.” I take a deep breath making sure to put my emotions about everything into a box, locking it before continuing. “He knows you're not the bad guy, however if he needs to blame you right now you're gonna let him. It's going to be hell for you, and deep down, for him as well. Do not push him, let him make a move, he needs to find what he wants and needs and act on it and you need to let him. Okay?” I look away feeling the lock on the box threaten to break for a moment, when I look back I am faced with emerald eyes, identical to my own, threatening to let their dams break and release a flood. Letting the corners of my mouth pull up into a sympathetic smile I reach my free hand to cup his cheek. “Don't worry so much, if I have learned anything from my time with Finley these past months, or hell my time with the two of you since you found me, I have learned that you two are magnetic and connected in some way that will forever bring you together. You just have to give it time.” He looks at me, his hand resting on mine, squeezing it before removing it as i finish talking. “Time does not seem to be on my side, how did the planning go while I was gone? Do we have any ideas for our next step?” He asks, sighing I nod, leaning back in my chair and cracking my neck, setting my mind back to business. “I connected with an old.. I guess you could call them an acquaintance. I'm waiting for a reply, she's one for the dramatics so it could be a little while.” He nods, his glossed over gaze showing he didn't actually hear anything I just said to him. I nod in response to him and stand, walking over to the window. Wrapping my jacket tighter around me, my arms crossed around my body; I look out at the city splayed out in front of me, letting my guard down just enough to let one long forgotten memory through.

 

**December 18th, 2009**

_ I look up at the Louvre, the structure glittering and sparkling in the twilight, my breath coming out like smoke around me. I can smell the snow in the air as I stare at the building in front of me clocking the entrances, the exits, the nonconventional exits, and entrances. I'm thrown from my thoughts as someone's hand rests on my shoulder, a voice close to my ear saying “I see what you're doing.” I take a deep breath counting three more exits before I turn to the person. “Do you now?” The brownish red-haired man chuckles softly, a sound that pulls at the corners of my mouth for some unknown reason. “Yes I do, and you shouldn't be doing it. Remember we are here to have fun and support the arts. Not commit any criminal offenses” he whispers the last part, and I roll my eyes, turning away to look at the building once again. “Don't worry, Dyson. If I wanted to commit a crime, I'm not going to get caught.” Now it's his turn to roll his eyes, he smiles and then takes my hand, placing it on his as we make our way to the entrance. _

_ It's breathtaking; the music, people, food, and lights. Or it would be if it wasn't so overwhelming. I take another deep breath, attempting to calm my nerves as I take a sip of champagne. Dyson is off grabbing something, food maybe, or another drink. Honestly, I couldn't say, the white noise ringing in my head too loud to hear. There were too many targets, no that's not right, too many people, yes that's right, I think, correcting myself. I glance around the room trying to turn the bullseye back into people. I shake my head frantically, turning to the barkeep to order a vodka neat as I down the last of my champagne. He gives me a worried look but does as asked, I grab the glass and begin to walk away before turning back to him, my tone kinder than when I asked for the drink.  “Thank you,” I add a smile before turning away again, disappearing into the crowd. _

_ I smile in relief as I open a door finally finding a place with private access to fresh air, my muscles loosening just a touch by the look of the frosted window. I take a small swig from the glass still in my hand, walking towards the window, my dress following me, the silky fabric moving soundlessly with me. I place the glass down on the window seal, opening the latch on the window, letting the frosted air circle me. I adjust the top of my gown, the boning of it digging into my ribs. I let out a small sigh, breathing in the winter air, picking up my glass once more and drinking from it. I smirk as I hear his footsteps behind me. “Why did we come here, Dyson?” I ask, never letting my gaze shift away from the outside world, the smell of snow growing stronger per minute. He comes up next to me, taking the glass from my hand, taking a sip of it, making a face. “You’re a vodka girl; I should have guessed.” He looked away from me and out at the city. “To answer your question, we are here because you will not always be a killer. I want to show you that there is more to the world around you than shadows and death.” I look over at him, my smirk wavering and disappearing. “I don’t know how to change. How to be more than a killer, and even if I did I wouldn’t know how to prove it.” I  remarked, the words coming as a surprise to myself. I look down at my hands, the blood of many imprinted among the cells. “For now you don't. For now, it's enough to know that you think about it, and think twice about doing certain things.” I nod in response to his words. For now, I think to myself, I think twice, for now, I want to change for now. Will it ever be more than for now? I drink the rest of my vodka just as the promised snow begins to pour from the sky. Closing my eyes, I take in another deep inhale of the frosty air, the feeling so familiar yet so foreign. I can feel his gaze on me but refuse to open my eyes, wanting to relish this moment a little longer. I'm just a girl, with an empty glass of vodka in front of me, standing in front of a window in Paris, wearing a strapless black and white gown, snow pouring outside all the while being watched by a handsome man, something in his eye that I just can't place. After a few moments of silence Dyson speaks up, “Why don't we head out? There are other places two people like us may be more comfortable.” I open my eyes, meeting his warm brown ones and I feel something melt within me at that moment. “Okay, lead the way,” I say, trying to shove whatever I'm feeling away as I take his offered hand.  _

_ I look over at Dyson, a cheeky grin on his face, as we walk into the frosted air. My instincts want to kick in, to hide and get out of the light, the snow, where you can't hide anything, but the smile spread on his lips stops me. I can’t look away from it, something in me twisting and turning. “Don’t you love it?” He asks me, all of his happiness twisting something in me. “Love the snow?” I ask. He nods, holding his hand out to catch snowflakes, his ears barley at attention for my answer. “I don't think I know how.” I whisper, it's barely louder than the frosty breeze, but he hears it and turns towards me, his hand now clasping mine. “Well to know how to love you have to know what love is. I'll tell you what love is to me and then you can tell me what you think, okay?” His voice go a little higher than normal as he finishes talking, his heartbeat racing in his hand. “Love for me concerning people is seeing a person everyday and still missing them when you're apart. Love is listening, surprising them with their favorite things, respect but not submission. Love is forgiving and having forgiveness, challenging one another to be their best selves. Love is being your true self and accepting theirs, its commitment to one another, it's absent of judgement. Love is arguing but not attacking, being honest, and finding a balance. Love is always being there for them, recognizing their value, and saying ‘I love you’ any chance you get. Love is being supportive, encouraging, and patient. Love is something that makes you both happy, its passion, chemistry, its imperfect. Love is letting go of small things, is a kiss on the forehead, the cheek, the nose, the lips. Love is not just talk, it is action, it’s boring and exciting. Love is home.” His voice cracks, a single tear spilling out of his eye. He quickly wipes it away and looks up at the sky, a shaky breath releasing itself from his lungs. When he looks back down at me I can't help but smile a little. “I have never felt that, or at least not to my knowledge. Especially with my line of work, I don't think it's something I'm going to feel. It's not like someone is going to feel those things for an assassin, a serial killer, a murder. No matter the name or the continent it's not exactly looked highly upon.” Its his turn to smile at me, quirking one of my eyebrows my smile grows just a little. “What?” I ask, he shakes his head, squeezing my hand a little and leading us slowly away from the gala. “I think you would be surprised what people will do for you, especially once you let them know you. Their fear of you is not your greatest weapon.” The last part is almost whispered, like I wasn’t supposed to hear. But I did hear and I wanted to hear more, I wanted to know what he meant and what this twisted, knot in my stomach meant. I didn’t just want to know, I needed to know. I needed to know, but I couldn’t, my mouth wouldn’t open to ask. I look out at the snow, the white flakes floating down heavily. Get a grip I say in my head, turning back to look at him. His eyes already looking into mine, slowly his hand reaches up to my face, moving the hair from in front of it before cupping my cheek. Get a grip i repeat in my head, the feeling in my stomach jumping to my throat. His face slowly comes closer to mine, with every millimeter I repeat it in my head until I am sure he can hear it despite it being in my head. When he is just an inch away from my face, his eyes flitting from my mouth to my eyes. My brain going blank on what he is asking but the knot, that is now making its way to my throat, wanting more than anything to grant it to him. He smiles slightly, before closing the distance between us with his eyes fluttering closed. I stay frozen with my eyes looking like a deer caught in headlights until he starts to pull away, the knot taking control of me, wrapping my arms around his neck and moving my lips against his. _

**End**

 

I feel the tears before anything else; my mind has let out more than I had wanted. I absentmindedly twirl the charm bracelet around my wrist, the charms grounding me as they always do when I let my guard down do with him. The next thing I register is the silence around me. I turn around finding Ryder asleep on the couch against the far wall, his breath coming out in small, barely there snores. I nod, wiping the last of the tears from my cheeks and chin, making my way over to the computer to check if we had a message back from Camille. I am welcomed with what I can assume is an over dramatized message, I skim the message decoding it as I go only writing down the necessary information. 

I close the laptop, checking my watch as I do, seeing that it is past one in the morning, i look around the room even though I know I am not going to find Finley inside. I let out a deep sigh, preparing myself to go drag his ass off of some floor where he is ass over head drunk, as I have had to do more than I would have liked. I pull on my boots and grab the hotel key, walking out of the room, surprised when I turn and find him sitting on the floor just outside the door. “What are you doing?” I ask, scanning him for any injuries other than the bullet wound. When I am satisfied with not finding one, I sit down next to him, our knees touching each other. “I couldn’t go in there,” he says, his voice coming out smaller and younger than I have heard it in a long time. “I think he is being completely truthful on wanting to fix things,” I remark, unsure what else there is to say. The blonde nods, his eyes filling with tears “He didn’t know, I know that now. God how I want to forgive him for that, for everything but I can’t. Something is stopping me and telling me to slow down, to put space.”  I smile at him, resting my head on his shoulder. “You can only stay mad at the dead for so long and I think once all the anger, hey don’t give me that look,” I say feeling his slight glare at the word all. “When the anger has subsided, at least some you may be able to see clearly, and know what it is you really want.” A dry chuckle shakes his chest the sound coming out sad and lost. “If I let the anger go, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what hiding behind it.” I shudder at his words, the feeling behind them hitting closer to home then I wished it did. “Then don’t let it go, just don’t let it get in the way of everything else. If you want to fix this wall that has grown between you two you are going to have to let at least let go of how tightly you are holding on to it.” The silence after my words fills the hallway, my mind wanting to be dragged back to the past. I feel the pull growing stronger, dragging me back. “Come on, why don’t we head in? I set up a meeting for tomorrow night with a contact and it would be better if you were well rested.” He nods, standing up and pulling me up with him. “Thank you Talia, I doubt I would still be here without you.”A sad smile crosses my lips but I quickly replace it with a brighter one “Yeah you are kind of a mess. You’d probably have fallen into an oven or something.” He chuckles quietly behind me, a genuine smile splayed on his lips when I look back at him. A sight I wish I had seen more of in the last few months. Looking forward again I quietly lead us back into the room, making a bee-line for the bed. Watching Finley look around the room, his gaze going from the couch to the other side of the bed. Slowly he makes up his mind, padding to the open spot on the couch, making sure not to touch Ryder. Turning off the light, I smile at the two boys, my two boys, wishing on whatever star is shining the brightest in the sky right now that they will be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the long awaited chapter 19, to any of you still reading this we love an adore you to the ends of the earth. Chapter 20 should be along shortly since it and chapter 19 were supposed to be one chapter, but it got too long. Fingers crossed it won't be like six months until we talk to you again. As always, xoxo B&K


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